Travel nostalgia in Sometimes I feel dead inside

It's early in the morning. The light peaking out, painting the whole world in a different shade than it is at any other time of day. It's about the time I'd be walking home after saying goodnight/morning. The same sound track, knowing that I didn't want her to go. Or at least not go anywhere without me. Here I am on a train headed to see my family. If she had decided to stick around she's be on this train with me. I'd be nervous about the first meeting but excited. She'd be passed out on my shoulder, I'd be relishing showing her off to my boys. The song changes, she's not here, she's not even in my life anymore. I put her on a plane and said goodbye. Told her to go find her love, go find an adventure. I feel so selfish for doing this. I wouldn't admit to loving her. I wouldn't admit to feeling much of anything concerning her. Now I'm traveling to a place that no longer knows me. From a city that no longer loves me. Maybe it's the combination of no sleep, getting over the flu, dehydration, the general mindset traveling puts me in, and the holiday. The state of reflectiveness brought on by the end of the year. What do I have to show? I invested a lot of time and money into a girl I sent away. Not too smart on my part. Then I she tells me the best news she has, that the boy she is living with right now will probably propose to her soon. A half second of regret then straight to rational thought. This was the plan all along. I called things going this way. I'm ok with it. Because he offers her something I can never offer, she can be whomever she wants. Her indiscretions and mistakes won't follow her.