motivation attention in 2016

3:57pm

It’s Wednesday already! Can you believe it? This taking the days one at a time thing is going pretty well. I get up, go through my routine, and will myself to get through to the end of the day. Then I head home and do after work relaxing. Usually tv watching and a drink. [I was going to say “maybe a drink”, but who am I kidding; the drink is mandatory]

The weeks have definitely been going faster this way. It could be because this year is crazy and hasn’t seemed to slow down. I don’t know. Part of me is glad that it is going by so quickly. I mean, I kind of dread the days that I know we are going to be crazy busy and I won’t even have time for lunch, but everything seems to work out the way it is supposed to. Once I’m done, that’s it. I’m done. No more worry, stress, or even thinking about any of this paperwork. And that sounds like such a welcome relief right now.
On the other hand: once I’m done I have to make sure I keep myself busy. I need to stick to some kind of routine and I have to plan things in advance. There’s no way I’m going to waste this time off like I seem to do every year. I want to do things and accomplish something that will bring me joy. No more of this boring life with no stories to be told.

I think maybe all these years I’ve been waiting around for someone to tell the stories with. Someone to go everywhere with and do everything with. But whatever. Who knows when, or if, that’ll ever happen. I can’t keep waiting around for something that may never come. It’s silly and it’s a waste, and I have way too many things to do.

If this year has taught me anything, or reminded me of anything, it’s that life is too damn short. You really never know when it’s going to end. I’ll hate myself for not having more adventures before I go [even though, I guess, technically, I won’t know the difference]. I’ll have to go skim through my bucketlist and see which ones are the most feasible to accomplish during the off season. I was all gung-ho about this whole thing a couple of months ago but as time wore on so did my motivation. You see, at the beginning of the year I am all full of life and energy to do all the things. But as the weeks drag on I start to have to dip into my reserve accounts of pulled up energy. These resources deplete pretty dang quickly considering my introverted self expends so much of it on a daily basis. Add to that the fact that I never have time to properly recharge [No, one day a week is not nearly enough and neither is the hour or two after work]. So I end up reaching this point where I’m like f-everything and want to do nothing but lay in bed, alone, for the next six months.

That’s why my goal this year is to find some way to stay motivated. To remember what it’ll feel like when I get some adventures under my belt. Also, I need to buy a new camera before any of this can happen. My current one has some kind of dust particles in the lens and it drives me batty when the pictures do not come out the way I want them to. Especially when any kind of natural light is involved [like too much/little sunlight]. So I’m definitely going to spend money on this. Like probably a couple of paychecks worth, because those things are not cheap!

Anyway, I’ve still got this running commentary thing going in my head regarding the flirt. Can’t help it! But I’m aware enough to psychoanalyze myself and realize that it is because I don’t have any other distractions right now. The whole CK thing is over. No use focusing on that anymore. The stories are too old and there’s nothing new to add.
Plus, who doesn’t love a little attention? I’m only human. I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t make me feel great inside to know that maybe, possibly, someone could be interested in me. In this particular case I’m not even sure if it was a joke or not, but it doesn’t matter much. Even the tiniest possibility is enough.

People aren’t interested in me that often, you see. Especially not people that I would be interested in in return. So it’s exciting and weird and I’m all about it whenever it happens. Not that this will develop into anything, or even remotely be a thing in the future, but it’ll serve its purpose.

And maybe, in the end, the only real purpose of this is to teach me how to see myself as a grown up. A grown woman who can be beautiful. Who is beautiful, and amazing, and all those other great things that grown men love. I don’t always have to be this shy, quiet, invisible girl. It’s ok to enjoy a little attention and not freak out about all the unknowns. Perhaps that’s all there is to this in the end.

rose.
7:26pm

Last updated March 30, 2016