adultness in 2016

9:54pm

I am such a goof sometimes.
Seriously.

I am starting to think that maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t see myself as an adult. Like I still look in the mirror and see a kid. I don’t even know how to be this person.

There’s like this weird disconnect between my late 20-something age and the way I feel in my every day life. I guess some of it is probably my life/living situation. I haven’t really grown up. But I don’t know. A little bit of everything maybe?

So I was helping out a client yesterday. One of my first from last year who was returning [not sure I expected him to come back haha] and we went through the whole process and everything. At the end of it we were standing up front and I started asking him about his truck. He’d mentioned it earlier and I was curious because he said something about spending all his money on it. Except when he told me what it was I couldn’t hear a thing and I did that thing where I just smile and nod. heh. whoops.

[sidenote: a couple of hours later I saw a commercial for a gmc canyon and it clicked that maybe that was exactly what he said. I’d never in my life seen one of those commercials though so it was a weird coincidence.]

And then on top of that, I also acted all awkwardly and fidgeted with everything at the front desk. I didn’t know how to just stand there and focus on having a conversation with him. I pretended to be busy and poke stuff on the computer. Like I used to do when people like ck or the bbq guy would stop by. Of course at some point I stopped that whole pretend routine, but it was way too soon. I mean, I don’t even know this guy. We’ve probably spoken for less than a total hour and none of it was all that personal.

Right before he walked out he looked like he wanted to reach for my hand [to shake it, nothing else!] but he didn’t do it and neither did I. I’m so horrible at interpersonal relationships. I don’t know how to be a normal human being. ugh

Then today. Oh today.
I was sitting at the front desk, as per usual, and Mom and I were going over some paperwork for a client. The phone rang, she recognized the number as his [she’d just called him a couple of minutes before] and she answered the line up front. There was some eavesdropping on my part as she spoke. And I heard her act shocked, say no, and then stumble around words until she came to, “you better be careful. She might slap you across the face.” The word “slap” didn’t come out right away either. It was like she was trying to find the right words and she couldn’t find anything better.

From what I heard, I was getting the impression that she was talking about me, so I turned around and shot a quick glance at her. But then I thought, “nah that can’t possibly be about me,” because it didn’t make sense.
After she hung up, I asked who was going to slap him. If it was the ex. And she said that he’d said he thought it was me calling to flirt with him! [I know, right?!] So that’s why she told him that he should be careful and that I might slap him across the face if I found out. Which, I mean, No. I would probably not.

But anyway. I was suddenly all flattered and like “OMG” about the whole thing. Because I’ll go ahead and admit that there’s always been something about this guy. He’s got beautiful eyes and he’s always stood out to me. But he’s older and I’m having trouble accepting my age. ha.

He’d told her that he was going to come in today but he’s pretty bad at showing up when he’s supposed to so I figured it wouldn’t happen for a couple of days. I kind of hoped he’d just show up though. I knew that if he didn’t I would worry about shit like what to wear tomorrow, or whatever. So I was glad to look out the window a little while later and see him walking up to the door.

When he walked in he made eye contact with me, and gave me one of these sly smiles. Like half embarrassed and half unsure of what was about to happen. I made no mention of anything though. To the point where he probably wondered whether she’d told me anything or not. I just smiled and carried on as usual. That’s just the kind of person I am. There were a few jokes, and the same ol’ conversation type stuff, and that was all. He was out the door and gone again.

Now, of course, there are about a hundred different thoughts running through my head. Mostly I was flattered. But he also jokes a lot so I’m wondering if it wasn’t some weird joke he had going on. Pretty bold to say those things to my Mom though, knowing she’s my mother. Or I don’t know. I can’t even figure it out. My brain’s battling between the possibilities and my horrible self-esteem that says it’s stupid to even consider.

That’s just the way I work though. This constant battle in my head. Unsure of which way to go or how to take other people’s actions.

There maybe were other things I wanted to say on the subject but it is way past my bedtime and I can’t put the words together anymore.

This crazy life. Always throwing me for a tailspin just as I start to think I’ve got it all figured out.

rose.
11:24pm