good luck then in 2016

8:52pm

I’m feeling quite unappreciated today.

I don’t know what it is, but I’m suddenly rattled by it all. Like I do so.much.stuff and no one seems to notice and/or care that I’ve done it. It’s just expected of me. They know it’ll get done. There’s too much guilt involved with not getting it done. So I do it all even when I really just want to throw in the towel and walk out the door.

JR came by the office today. Some how showing up only a minute or two after one of his friends [whom I met at the party] brought in her papers. It was interesting. Not like awkward or anything, but different. We obviously crossed into another world the other day. I clearly don’t like having people close to me so the fact that I let him stand there with his arm around me has to mean something. A new comfort level or something.

It turns out though that maybe he’d walked into the kitchen looking for me. I don’t know the exact timeline of it all, but it’s possible that he got into that spat with his gf and then walked away from her and over to me. At least as far as I can tell. Because we went outside right after that and he was already ready to vent. It had to have happened shortly before that. He knew I was in there and he walked up all affectionately, and yeah.

I don’t exactly want to be the one he turns to when he has a fight with her. That certainly will not put me in a good place with her or the whole situation. Apparently the issues Mom had with me taking the shot with him is because we’d walked outside and she watched his gf go inside with the most awful look on her face. She assumed it was because we were together. I did not even see her walk by us though. So I’m a little worried about what she may be thinking. I don’t want any issues. Seriously. That’s not something I’m looking to get involved in. At all.

[She did post a picture of the two of them together yesterday though so I’m going to guess all is well]

I’ve been trying to put myself in her position more lately. Like I’m all about guys and girls being friends. I have always been cool with the idea. But then I try to think about how cool I would really be with my guy hanging out with another girl. I’d like to think I’d be fine with it all, but I really don’t know. Like in our particular circumstances, we are in fact very close. I see him more than almost anyone else I know. We’ve probably been around each other at least once [probably more] every single week for the last year.

But anyway, I ran off on a tangent there. He came by this morning and I was saying something about putting his password in the computer. He told me to go ahead and do it because I knew he didn’t remember it. And I made a comment about him needing to memorize some stuff because I might not be around forever. That maybe something might happen to me and what would he do then.
So that a-hole straight up says that he was able to move on after his ex [who did all the stuff for him] and he’d find a way to move on after me too.

-_-

Thanks dude. Thanks a lot. I am so glad to know that you can survive without me. That I do so little for you that it would be fine to go on. That I had nothing to do with how “easy” it was to continue on after she walked away.

Well f-you too!

Argh. So annoying. I don’t even know what to think. Like maybe he was joking, or whatever. But it seriously shows how little he thinks of me. I just want to walk away from it all. Wish him luck and send him on his way so he can figure out how to do it on his own.

That’s kind of how I feel about everything right now though. I do so much for everyone and I really don’t feel like anyone does anything for me. I take care of myself and everyone else. But I guess it’s just sorta what I’ve always done. For as long as I can remember I’ve been taking care of those around me. How selfish it must be for me to want someone to take care of me. Or at least freakin’ acknowledge that I do everything for them and receive nothing in return [or don’t even acknowledge the 2nd part, but admit the first!]

Whatever. That’s just life right now. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. [Although not really? I don’t know.] It’s been a crazy season and I’m tired. That’s all. I’ll do my best to survive the next few weeks and then I’ll work on life. [Travel, adventure, bucketlist checkoffs. I’m doing it all this year!]

rose.
9:30pm