I always think those dreams which you don't instantly shed when you wake up and which stay with you for most of the next day with details still pretty clear are subliminal messages from your subconscious and perhaps something you need to pay attention to.
I remember when I was working at the University in March 2015 - around 3 weeks after I started the job - I had a very clear dream where I woke up asking myself (literally) why I'd set the alarm because I didn't have a job to go to in the morning? That feeling was so so strong and felt so real that for several minutes I really believed it and became quite confused as to whether or not I was working! Once I realised it was a dream I eventually got back to sleep but it took a good while.
Around 2 weeks later our full-time Project Worker, John, was pretty much frogmarched out of the building one morning after being asked to leave, hand over his keys and staff ID badge and clear out his desk. I was the only other person in the office that day and found the whole thing quite shocking, especially as the HR person who came into the office to do the dastardly deed didn't say who she was or what she was about to do. He didn't say a word as he cleared his desk so obviously knew it was coming but it was days before I remembered the dream and wondered if it had been a premonition? It didn't really make sense though - I had hardly got time to know John and it's not like I could have changed anything or warned him it was coming. Plus it felt so connected to me - it was definitely me who felt I had no job to go in the morning.
A couple of weeks after that I entered my own hell and a few days later was signed off. And 4 months after that I had no job to go in the morning ......
Around the time all that happened, I had another strange dream where I seemed to be on a bike and travelling back from somewhere - I don't know where - but there was a European feel to where I was for some reason. Switzerland, France, Germany - somewhere like that. I had been with people before I left - who they were I've no idea - I couldn't see them - then I set off on the bike and I had something in the basket/pannier but it wasn't obvious what. I appeared to be quite a long way into the journey - about two-thirds - when I realised I had no luggage and had left it behind. The luggage came into my mind as being just a small case and an old tan handbag I used to use so not very much quantity-wise.
I was a bit daunted by the fact I'd left it behind but it didn't appear to be as big a deal as you would think it would be although I did begin to worry how would I manage day to day without the stuff which was in my handbag. However I seemed able to brush that off quite easily. The main feeling I can remember quite clearly was just as I had the realisation that I'd left the luggage behind, I was going uphill over a bridge on a bike (it was a quaint, old bridge - there may have been cobbled stones?) round a corner and then passing beautiful old tall buildings - again very European in style with clear blue sky in between them. The buildings themselves didn't seem to be that spectacular when I recalled them later but I can remember at the time I was dreaming about them I had a feeling of euphoria at their beauty as I passed them.
There were other bits which didn't make much sense - like before I got to the bridge, I passed a cafe or restaurant place and across the road in a layby there was a tour bus. I seem to remember people coming off or going on it - it wasn't empty I don't think but I can't recall anything else about it. And also at the start of where I began to remember the dream, a bath appeared and there were a pile of clothes in a heap in the corner of this bath - so not in water or anything but not on the floor either. (Was there water in the bath? I'm not sure now). I don't know who they belonged to.
And that was basically it.
So ....... my take on it was that the clothes might be symbolic and I have to discard something to become a new me? Do they represent the old me? Is the bath a symbol of being cleansed - washing away old stuff? And does the bike signify that I'll get there eventually - it'll be an uphill climb and will take a while (hence the bike being the mode of transport) but I will eventually turn a corner and finally be able to experience joy again. And this would be unencumbered by the trappings of things I thought I needed in the past (the drugs?) to see me through day by day and the baggage I carried around with me (was that what the tan bag was all about - a symbol of the old me?).
I dunno.
And why Europe?
Feel free to pop in with suggestions if you so desire .
And then last night I had a very mixed-up, confusing dream where it seemed to be Hogmanay and I was babysitting for someone who used to write on OD - Shelagh - she's started a diary here but hardly written anything in it. I haven't messaged her in ages although I did see a post from her on Facebook last week but other than that, there's no reason for her to appear in my dream. I remember there were clothes all over the house and I was constantly folding and putting them into piles when she came home, thinking what a shame she's going to have so much ironing to do with all these clothes! Then when we were finally ready to leave I couldn't find one of my boots. I literally searched the whole house - even bits I hadn't been in - but it had vanished.
I don't know what I did about that in the end because my aunt, who died years ago, suddenly appeared dressed in a purple tweed suit and wearing pale purple lipstick! Horrendous as this sounds, it totally suited her although she wouldn't have been seen dead in it when she was alive. She was slim as well and yet she'd struggled with her weight her whole life - it also wasn't her face but I knew it was her without a doubt and had a lovely warm feeling at seeing her. Nikki was there but seemed to be much younger - she wanted me to go to my brother's house because they were having an all night party so Shelagh said to go there for an hour then come back to their house and I was being a party-pooper and saying we stayed up all night one year before and the hangover was nightmare the day after and I didn't want to do that again plus I wanted to go and see my aunt.
Then next thing we were in a tenement (block of apartments) somewhere and lots of folk were outside in the street or in their gardens. There was someone else in the flat besides Nikki and I and Nikki was a lot younger and then Boyd appeared and suddenly threw himself out the window onto a concrete path below! I remember feeling sorry for the folk out doing their garden having to clean that up!! So then I was all oh God I need to go to the hospital with him and looking for a cardigan and jacket because I knew I'd be cold but I couldn't find the right cardigan and then when I thought I put my hands on it, it turned out to be this short bolero thing which was useless.
Next thing I was out in the street asking the paramedics where Boyd would be taken and they were telling me A&E and giving me this look like I was stupid and where else would he be taken? So I'm trying to get organised to get up there and Nikki kept following me saying she wanted to come too and I kept saying no you can't and sending her back to the flat. This kept carrying on and I couldn't get away then I looked up the street and there was Trooper mooching about on his own. As I whispered his name in disbelief, he looked up and came hurtling towards me but I kept thinking why was he on his own? Why wasn't there anyone with him? And he wasn't on the lead either - what if another dog had come along? So then I was thinking do I still have his lead? I'll need to go back and look for it. And how am I going to look after him and get up to the hospital at the same time?
But the worst thing - the very worst thing - was that I couldn't figure out what he was doing there. Had I abandoned him? Had I forgotten about him? I just couldn't remember and I kept looking at his body to see if it was starved - to see if I hadn't fed him for ages or something. It was horrible.
And that's how I woke up. Still confused. It took a good few minutes of sitting there on the edge of the bed to remember what had happened to him and it wasn't "oh yeah he died 2 years ago." It was "oh yeah I killed him - that's what happened." And there was no relief to know I hadn't abandoned him (except of course that's what my subconscious believes and has always believed) - I just kept thinking why was he on his own up there? Why was no-one looking after him? I thought he'd be at peace when he was put down but there he was wandering about on his own, nobody with him, no lead, nothing.
No bloody wonder I'm exhausted half the time if that's what's going on at night!!
I remember when I was working at the University in March 2015 - around 3 weeks after I started the job - I had a very clear dream where I woke up asking myself (literally) why I'd set the alarm because I didn't have a job to go to in the morning? That feeling was so so strong and felt so real that for several minutes I really believed it and became quite confused as to whether or not I was working! Once I realised it was a dream I eventually got back to sleep but it took a good while.
Around 2 weeks later our full-time Project Worker, John, was pretty much frogmarched out of the building one morning after being asked to leave, hand over his keys and staff ID badge and clear out his desk. I was the only other person in the office that day and found the whole thing quite shocking, especially as the HR person who came into the office to do the dastardly deed didn't say who she was or what she was about to do. He didn't say a word as he cleared his desk so obviously knew it was coming but it was days before I remembered the dream and wondered if it had been a premonition? It didn't really make sense though - I had hardly got time to know John and it's not like I could have changed anything or warned him it was coming. Plus it felt so connected to me - it was definitely me who felt I had no job to go in the morning.
A couple of weeks after that I entered my own hell and a few days later was signed off. And 4 months after that I had no job to go in the morning ......
Around the time all that happened, I had another strange dream where I seemed to be on a bike and travelling back from somewhere - I don't know where - but there was a European feel to where I was for some reason. Switzerland, France, Germany - somewhere like that. I had been with people before I left - who they were I've no idea - I couldn't see them - then I set off on the bike and I had something in the basket/pannier but it wasn't obvious what. I appeared to be quite a long way into the journey - about two-thirds - when I realised I had no luggage and had left it behind. The luggage came into my mind as being just a small case and an old tan handbag I used to use so not very much quantity-wise.
I was a bit daunted by the fact I'd left it behind but it didn't appear to be as big a deal as you would think it would be although I did begin to worry how would I manage day to day without the stuff which was in my handbag. However I seemed able to brush that off quite easily. The main feeling I can remember quite clearly was just as I had the realisation that I'd left the luggage behind, I was going uphill over a bridge on a bike (it was a quaint, old bridge - there may have been cobbled stones?) round a corner and then passing beautiful old tall buildings - again very European in style with clear blue sky in between them. The buildings themselves didn't seem to be that spectacular when I recalled them later but I can remember at the time I was dreaming about them I had a feeling of euphoria at their beauty as I passed them.
There were other bits which didn't make much sense - like before I got to the bridge, I passed a cafe or restaurant place and across the road in a layby there was a tour bus. I seem to remember people coming off or going on it - it wasn't empty I don't think but I can't recall anything else about it. And also at the start of where I began to remember the dream, a bath appeared and there were a pile of clothes in a heap in the corner of this bath - so not in water or anything but not on the floor either. (Was there water in the bath? I'm not sure now). I don't know who they belonged to.
And that was basically it.
So ....... my take on it was that the clothes might be symbolic and I have to discard something to become a new me? Do they represent the old me? Is the bath a symbol of being cleansed - washing away old stuff? And does the bike signify that I'll get there eventually - it'll be an uphill climb and will take a while (hence the bike being the mode of transport) but I will eventually turn a corner and finally be able to experience joy again. And this would be unencumbered by the trappings of things I thought I needed in the past (the drugs?) to see me through day by day and the baggage I carried around with me (was that what the tan bag was all about - a symbol of the old me?).
I dunno.
And why Europe?
Feel free to pop in with suggestions if you so desire .
And then last night I had a very mixed-up, confusing dream where it seemed to be Hogmanay and I was babysitting for someone who used to write on OD - Shelagh - she's started a diary here but hardly written anything in it. I haven't messaged her in ages although I did see a post from her on Facebook last week but other than that, there's no reason for her to appear in my dream. I remember there were clothes all over the house and I was constantly folding and putting them into piles when she came home, thinking what a shame she's going to have so much ironing to do with all these clothes! Then when we were finally ready to leave I couldn't find one of my boots. I literally searched the whole house - even bits I hadn't been in - but it had vanished.
I don't know what I did about that in the end because my aunt, who died years ago, suddenly appeared dressed in a purple tweed suit and wearing pale purple lipstick! Horrendous as this sounds, it totally suited her although she wouldn't have been seen dead in it when she was alive. She was slim as well and yet she'd struggled with her weight her whole life - it also wasn't her face but I knew it was her without a doubt and had a lovely warm feeling at seeing her. Nikki was there but seemed to be much younger - she wanted me to go to my brother's house because they were having an all night party so Shelagh said to go there for an hour then come back to their house and I was being a party-pooper and saying we stayed up all night one year before and the hangover was nightmare the day after and I didn't want to do that again plus I wanted to go and see my aunt.
Then next thing we were in a tenement (block of apartments) somewhere and lots of folk were outside in the street or in their gardens. There was someone else in the flat besides Nikki and I and Nikki was a lot younger and then Boyd appeared and suddenly threw himself out the window onto a concrete path below! I remember feeling sorry for the folk out doing their garden having to clean that up!! So then I was all oh God I need to go to the hospital with him and looking for a cardigan and jacket because I knew I'd be cold but I couldn't find the right cardigan and then when I thought I put my hands on it, it turned out to be this short bolero thing which was useless.
Next thing I was out in the street asking the paramedics where Boyd would be taken and they were telling me A&E and giving me this look like I was stupid and where else would he be taken? So I'm trying to get organised to get up there and Nikki kept following me saying she wanted to come too and I kept saying no you can't and sending her back to the flat. This kept carrying on and I couldn't get away then I looked up the street and there was Trooper mooching about on his own. As I whispered his name in disbelief, he looked up and came hurtling towards me but I kept thinking why was he on his own? Why wasn't there anyone with him? And he wasn't on the lead either - what if another dog had come along? So then I was thinking do I still have his lead? I'll need to go back and look for it. And how am I going to look after him and get up to the hospital at the same time?
But the worst thing - the very worst thing - was that I couldn't figure out what he was doing there. Had I abandoned him? Had I forgotten about him? I just couldn't remember and I kept looking at his body to see if it was starved - to see if I hadn't fed him for ages or something. It was horrible.
And that's how I woke up. Still confused. It took a good few minutes of sitting there on the edge of the bed to remember what had happened to him and it wasn't "oh yeah he died 2 years ago." It was "oh yeah I killed him - that's what happened." And there was no relief to know I hadn't abandoned him (except of course that's what my subconscious believes and has always believed) - I just kept thinking why was he on his own up there? Why was no-one looking after him? I thought he'd be at peace when he was put down but there he was wandering about on his own, nobody with him, no lead, nothing.
No bloody wonder I'm exhausted half the time if that's what's going on at night!!
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