say the word in 2016

7:30pm

I was all up for writing up until about 30 seconds ago. Not sure where the motivation went, but we’ll see how much I can get done. I’ve actually been thinking about writing for days now. I keep trying to type something up at work. Just can’t seem to find the time.

Things are happening though. Other than work being busy.

There’s stuff with JR that I have been trying to figure out how to write, which might be part of my hesitation to sit down and get this over with.

See, there’s this thing he does. The whole getting in my bubble thing. It’s always sorta happened, but it seems to be happening more often lately. Even after our whole jokes about my backing away every time he comes near. He obviously knows it’s a thing with me. It’s not like it’s some kind of secret. Everyone knows I need space. The bubble may not be visible but I always make it very clear that it is definitely there.

Maybe he’s trying to push the boundaries? To see how much I’m willing to take before I tell him to back away? I don’t know. He just stands so damn close! And it’s not just when he’s showing me stuff on his phone any more. It’s constant. Anytime we’re next to each other. He won’t even really move out of the way when he knows I need to get through. Not like in a rude way, but just like he wants me to pass close by him. Or like yesterday, I was showing him a piece of paper and there were about a hundred places he could have grabbed it from. You know, like the entire side of the paper that was closest to him? He didn’t even really need to grab it in the first place, but he did it anyway. And he reached over and grabbed it from just above my hand so that his hand had to touch mine. I couldn’t pull away fast enough without seeming like something was wrong. I don’t like to make a big deal of it, but seriously! dude!

I know that I am a lot more in tune with these moments than most people. That’s definitely a factor. And I try to take things like that into consideration when I’m over-analyzing moments. Like I want to believe that he doesn’t do it on purpose. That he’s not really trying to get that close to me. I mean he’s engaged for Pete’s sake!

There’s this tiny part of me [the crazy part, of course] that thinks that if I just said the word, he’d drop every thing and come with me. Like to the point where I have very little doubt in my ability to hold this power over him. It’s there. I swear! I can feel it. This intuitive nature of mine doesn’t go to waste very often. And I know him. Probably better than most people these days. It’s crazy to think about how far we’ve come in just the last year. [He was barely learning about the fact that I have a truck this time last year!]

But I really do believe this could be a possibility. All I’d have to do is decide that I was up for it, that I was into the idea, and that would be it.

I sound totally full of myself [ha! guess who just sent me a text…creepy] but I’m not even really that confident in real life. It’s just a feeling. The moments. The interactions. The connections.

I don’t know. I’d never act on it though! I mean, I’m currently in the process of trying to make friends with his gf so that nothing weird happens there. I don’t want some girl thinking I’m trying to steal her man. We do spend an inordinate amount of time together, so I want to make sure she knows she can trust me.
As I type this entry about being able to change her world at the drop of a hat. heh.

In related news: JR just turned 30 a couple days ago. He’s having a party on Saturday. He invited me a while ago and then did one of those fb event things.

You know the introvert in me is freaking out. Like I know people are always sitting around looking forward to things like this and I’m dreading it. Trying a hundred different ways to start prepping myself for the whole event. You’d have to understand introverts but my brain is currently freaking out like: PEOPLE! STRANGERS! CLOSE SPACES! SOCIALIZING! SMALL TALK! PEOPLE! AHHHH!

No joke.

And it’s not like I don’t want to go. At first I was super hesitant but I really am trying to be more open to stuff like this. I think JR would be a great person to hang out with. He knows tons of people and has plenty of connections. I’ve been saying for months that I’d like to say yes to more of these invitations because I really do need to make more friends. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause me panic though.
Because I know his friends are going to be there. I’ve seen the fb invites. haha! Some of our clients are going to be there and his family too.

I know I shouldn’t panic because these things usually turn out pretty fun. There will be food and hopefully drinks. I know all his family already. I met a couple of his friends already [the one I was most worried about turned out to be really nice..surprise, surprise]. The clients are nice enough. [slightly worried about drinking in front of them though. ha] These are all things that should ease my overreacting brain. But yeah. Introversion is a thing.

I’ll do it anyway, despite the worries. JR takes these things to heart and I know he’d feel hurt if we just didn’t show up. Hey! At least my mom will be there with me! HA HA!
[I so need to grow up and get my own friends....]

*Next week I’ll tell you all about why the muffin guy thing is no longer a thing.

rose.
8:30pm