The kitchen floor, like all the floors save the bathroom in this wreck of a house, is a hardwood stained dark mahogany brown. Don’t let anyone tell you dark floors are easy to keep clean.
They aren’t.
Dark floors show everything, including and especially…
A large fluffy pile of freshly destroyed toilet paper,
and it wasn’t the result of the destruction of the tail end (pardon the pun) of a roll of tissue.
No, this was the fully filleted corpse of a brand new double roll of the quality quilted stuff, shredded as only a professional feline assassin can destroy the epitome of offensive order that is a new roll of toilet paper.
Observing the crime scene, it was obvious
from the extreme dislocation of each and every sheet from the cardboard core,
from the featherlike fine fluff,
from the exploded pattern of tattered white splashed on my dark, dark floor,
that there had been violence in my kitchen, that fangs had impaled the poor defenseless roll,
that fur covered arms had wrapped around it in a death grip whilst the back claws, the real feline powerhouses of mayhem, had bunnykicked the hapless victim mercilessly over and over and over…
It was a sad scene. Such senseless destruction. So pointless.
(Of course, considering the intended fate of your common roll of toilet paper, a product created specifically to be destroyed in unmentionable ways, this toilet paper might have welcomed evisceration by ninja cat, a violent, dramatic demise, which was, in the end, a comparatively clean death.)
I went in search of the murderer.
I found the litter-sisters on the couch, dark tortoiseshell Esme lying next to deep brown tabby Coco, curled together in a ball of intertwined sweet sleeping adolescent catlet.
“Ladies,” I barked. “Someone has committed pulpicide on the kitchen floor. This’ll go much easier if you just admit your evil deed.”
The catlets awoke and yawned, then turned their eyes to me. “What?” said Coco sleepily.
Esme swiped her half-blonde paw across her black nose,
casually dislodging a tiny bit of white fluff.
Eyes intensely innocent, she maoi-ed,
“Coco did it.”
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