Memories Are Shadows... in Just Moments

~I’m in a weird mood tonight. Maybe its the music I’m listening to, or the things going on in my life right now so let me try to get it all out…

~I finally got a job, after being laid off for 3 months, unfortunately it’s a contract position so I could really get cut at any time though I don’t think that they would do that to me, it is possible. I’m actually working on some big projects for them at the moment so I know I’m safe until they are done! :) I’ve been there for about 3 and a half months and I do really like it. Sometimes I get bored but I think that’s just me and my personality. I’m just one of those people who if I don’t feel challenged will get bored even when I clearly have work to do.

~Another great thing about this job is that I met someone. And he’s really great. Now it’s forbidden because I work in HR but we are just keeping everything quiet. For now. He is just amazing, so much better than my ex who broke my heart like it didn’t matter. This guy just treats me the complete opposite of my ex. I never realized that this is how a woman should be treated because it’s never happened in my life. Not once. But that’s probably because I was with the wrong guys!! He is just what I didn’t know I needed. We’ve been together almost a month, and I guess we will see where things go. Hopefully somewhere, if not, at least I know how to deal with the heartbreak, that unfortunately I am good at.

~Speaking of said ex, he texted me yesterday. It was about nothing and honestly I don’t even want to talk to him. He decided that he didn’t want me in his life when he stopped talking to me several months ago, but since January he’s been trying to keep in touch every couple weeks. I don’t care. I can’t. I mean I want him to eventually end up happy, because I think everyone deserves the chance to be happy, he just lost his right to be a part of my happiness and he also lost the right to know about my happiness. I don’t want him to know my life anymore because it shouldn’t matter to him, and if it does, well he’s too late. I have him a chance, and then a second chance… And he blew it. I’ll be damned if I let myself give him a third, he has not earned nor does he deserve that from me. I know I just should not respond to him when he sends his random text messages, but I’m not that person, never have, never will. If he starts asking personal questions I have no intentions of answering them, not at all. But he hasn’t gotten there and I don’t think that he will.

~I’m moving in a couple weeks. I’m scared but also really ready for this new adventure in my life. I have to say it’s going to be easier now that I have someone in my life that will give me an excuse not to spend a ton of time alone. I was nervous when I first decided to move because it was just me, and I don’t have a ton of friends so I thought I was going to be spending too much time alone. At least I won’t have to worry about that at the current moment. But this is good for me. I need to learn who I am independent from my parents and my family. I love them and would do just about anything for them, but it’s time for me to figure out who I want to be. Also my mother is just getting on my nerves! But I’m sure that’s just because I’m a strong independent woman who can take care of herself and my mother is your typical care giver and doesn’t understand when I don’t need her anymore in that role. So let’s just say I can’t wait for April 1 to roll around the corner!

~I’ve been thinking about memories lately. I have lots of them as we all do, and I tend to have a pretty good memory where I can pull up images and experiences pretty easily and linger on them for as long as I want. Sometimes it’s great especially when the memory is a good one, filled with joy and love, and happiness. It’s much harder when its a painful memory filled with tears. Those are the ones that are usually popping up in my mind. I have no idea why but they do. It’s times like these where I wish that I was capable of turning my mind off. So I wouldn’t have to relive through the pain, but that’s just not how things work, so I’m not that lucky. Though they are painful, they are also helpful to learn from, so I don’t make the same mistakes twice and really appreciate things that do make me happy. But in reality memories are kind of like shadows, you can only see them sometimes, and then they disappear because we get distracted by the present and the future. Some memories also fade, so in the end it’s like they never existed, which on a cloudy day shadows don’t either. Funny how something that concretely existed at one point could just be gone. But such is life. We have things, and then we lose things. I don’t think that will ever change.

~So here’s to me and my thoughts for the night. I’m in a much better place in my life than the last time I wrote. I have learned how to love myself and live for myself. How to not care what other people say about me and really know who my friends are. I am a strong independent woman who knows where I want to be and am just starting my journey of how to get there. I no longer and pulled down or away from that journey because of the guy I am or am not with. I let that control my life for too long. In the end, I have to do what I want, when I want to do it. I can’t let other people control who I am or how to live my life. I am in control. And if you want to be a part of the ride I welcome it but just know that you are a choice I made and that makes you really special. Because I don’t need you, I want you! <3