The Spaces Between My Bones in Never Say Never

I’ve told you there is a deep, deep silence in the space where S once stood. It’s like I am dead to him. From an energetic perspective, there just is none. It’s a strange experience. I miss him but there’s no energy swirling about.

On the other hand, there is a high school ex that I’ve been communicating on and off with for years. He’s married, and we’ve seen each other only once since FB got us back in touch, during the day and in a public place for about an hour several years ago. Since we’ve been communicating (via text or phone) there have been long stretches of time of up to almost a year that we don’t and then stretches of time where things are very regular. I let him set that pace, but occasionally I will break his pacing with silence. Never the other way around.

That’s a setup to say that the energy between us comes and goes. And after a long silence, two weeks ago, after S and I broke up, he reached out. He had no way of knowing that S and I broke up but he was coming through Dallas and wanted to get together (this is a common refrain; we never actually get together). I was out of town for work. He asked me to call him that night. I didn’t.

Last night I had a sex dream about him. And I woke up to a sexy text from him, which is a highly unusual way for us to communicate. For all the catching up and explaining and talking we have done, not much of it has been in the realm of sex. It feels too much like fire we do not want to play with. So we just don’t.

But the sexual energy last night was aligned.

I wish it were with an available person who was actually living close to me.

Good people, I am not exactly lonely but I am LONGING.

I am longing so hard for those things I passed up in my 20s and 30s. I absolutely would not go back for a redo to have those things, but I absolutely want them now. A house, a yard, a joint pet, a joint vacation, someone to collaborate with, someone to dream with, someone to contemplate the universe with. A love that is not unsteady and tormenting, but that holds me and comforts me and lifts me up.

I want a love that seeps into the places between my bones.

Last updated March 06, 2016