Another One Almost Down in Never Say Never

Friday morning. Up earlier than I intended but it’s OK because I was in bed later than I intended (still a shockingly early hour for most of you!). I slept poorly, however, with terrible dreams.

The worst of the worst: After dropping a hairdryer in the sink of the bathroom in the home where I spent ages 10-18, my mother in the room, I was electrocuted. In the dream I died. After turning the water on, I put my hand on the lightswitch and electrocution began. At first, my head voice was screaming, “Oh no! Not this! I can’t die now! Mommy! Mommy! I can’t die. I have dogs! Not now! I have to pull my hand off this lightswitch. Try harder! Mommy!” And then, my head voice began to quiet. And then it faded to so so quiet. And I knew that I was dying. Dying. Dead. And it was so OK.

Yesterday I hated work. I went to a meeting for a project I hated and spoke my mind and people were very defensive and like “that is harsh” and obviously I didn’t go about it the right way and I truly hate the people working on the project and it shows big time. I handed it off to new girl and said I would not go back to any meetings. And told my boss to get ready for “feedback” that I am the worst person ever. Fuck them.

I am working from home for a half day today and then taking the afternoon off for one of our “Fun Fridays,” official half days off we get if we work extra during the week. And though I didn’t work extra this week, I worked extra for the last six weeks, so I just moved over some hours.

I also have come up with somewhat of a plan for the next five months, with the goal of working at home and/or just freelancing full-time by the fall.

The last week or 10 days I have ached over S. It’s helpful for me to think back on those last couple of weeks, where there was a HIGH high and a low low, and remember that those things are intolerable to me and indicative of him. It hurts so much to let this go.

I am grateful that yoga teacher training starts tonight. I am grateful for the promise of a very exciting freelance project on the horizon. I am grateful for my steady paycheck and decent health insurance. I am grateful for pretty weather on days off. I am grateful for sweet puppies, good reading, friends who feed my heart, and food that nourishes my body. I am grateful for clean, soft bedding at night; hot, bitter coffee in the morning; and the Internet all damn day.

xxoo