Do you remember when Cell phones caused cancer? I sure do. I was selling cell phones, not as often as computers, but I wandered over when someone needed help. When a customer would tell me they caused cancer I asked how (instead of ‘why are you trying to buy one then?’). No one ever had a good answer for me and sometimes I’d go into some shit about lab rats going over their minutes.
Question is, though, if they did cause cancer and don’t anymore what changed? Or, why are we giving them to our kids and showing happy familys on happy family plans? And if they didn’t who started the rumor that they did? The beeper consortium?
Or maybe it’s just down to acceptable levels of cancer causing cell phone goodness. Out of curiosity what would you call an acceptable level? Maybe just one percent of your LOL C U L8r, hugz caused cancer? I mean you wouldn’t want your SOBBFWNEIA to think you wouldn’t see her later or think that maybe you weren’t perpetually laughing out loud. Oh, SOBBFWNEIA, sort of best buddy forever when nobody else is around. Surely that’s worth the risk, I mean shit, you probably have brain cancer already (I think that’s what cell phones gave you back in the day because ear cancer doesn’t sound that bad or like a thing).
Back in the day. Yes. That’s my point. When did cell phones stop giving you cancer or is like our troops in Afghanistan, when it’s off the front page it’s like it stopped happening. Oh shit. I’m trying to hard, now I’m anxious. I meant to spoof the idea, mostly because cell phones are like TVs were, averaging more than one per household. Though cell phones make more sense; a bunch of people can watch one TV. At one point the pollster guys would have us believe every household in America had four TV’s. I’m not making that up. I do believe it averages that every American household has as many cell phones as it does people.
Back when they caused cancer I had three. No, I didn’t use them for much of anything, vendors gave them to me so I could recommend their service. They always gave me a high end phone and a low end plan. I let the future ex mrs dawg use one once for a month. She managed to rack up four hundred dollars on a free phone. Her answer when I showed her the bill? “I didn’t even do it.”
So I stopped writing this silly thing to grab a couple of egg salad sandwichs. Still mostly eating soft food. There was a guy in the parking lot of the egg salad store. He asked if I had fifty cents for the bus. I told him I didn’t have real money because I don’t, though I forget about all the change I throw in change console in my car, I’m used to not having change. I know I’ve been here almost four years. Oregon has no sales tax so all those things that are something .99 cents? You get a penny. Here you give them two bucks and you get 96 cents back. Dude asked if I had a smoke. Reflex had me check my pockets. No, I said, because my pockets have weird shit in them that you could probably smoke but not already prepared and probably causes cancer, maybe more so or less so than a smoke. I don’t know. I don’t smoke pocket stuff. I usually pick it out of the washing machine.
So dude told me to have a good day or god bless or some other such stuff. It’s been a long time since someone asked for some amount for some reason. I don’t automatically say no and I rarely lie. When I first moved to Portland I lived in a neighborhood rife with street beggars. Huh, that sounds mean but I don’t know how else to bunch them into a category. Some were winos, some crazy, some just down on their luck, and, occasionally some really just needed fifty cents for the bus. I also knew most of them. I was a student so I didn’t have money on me often, but, you know, I’d buy some a burrito, some I’d give a smoke (more often than not they’d catch me a few days later and give me a smoke back, usually Basics. For those who don’t smoke or those under 25, Basics started off as a generic brand and were cheap. They slowly raised the price until the margin between them and, say, Marlboro, was almost non existent. You don’t see them that often anymore.)
Some I’d explain why I wasn’t going to give them jack shit. I’ve been god blessed so many fucking times my unborn great grand children have a free ride to the pearly gates. I probably would have given dude the fifty cents if I remembered there was change in the car. In fact I would have given him all of it, probably 2.50 of grimy change at least 35 of which would be pennies. It’s not an easy gig around here to beg for change. In Portland it was a good gig but not for a novice. There’s still snow and ice on the ground here.
Ok, cell phones, LOL brain cancer, change, I think that pretty much covers it. God bless you little fuckers.
Oh. I had a disembodied piece of dialogue floating around my head. I’m going to pin it down.
“What the hell is that noise?”
“That’s just grandma.”
“Doing what? Grinding nuts and bolts?”
“No. She’s hitting a lizard with a hammer.”
“Jesus, should we do something?”
“No. That lizard is an asshole.”
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