March 3rd, 2016 3:20PM
Been playing with my new knife and I always seem to forget how sharp it really is because now I have unintended scratches all over. the Doc increased my seroquel to 3 pills and told me to break one in half and so far no real change except I seem to be feeling worse, my mood change has reverted to rapid cycling as I seem to be switching twice to several times a day and then sometimes a few days so it is very unstable. Yesterday I was ok until it was around night time and as i laid in bed I started to feel worse then I have ever felt before, I listened to music, stared up to the ceiling and watched the little light on the fire alarm, nothing on netflix seemed to help or even watching Game of Thrones (I bought seasons 2-4 yesterday). I have this problem where I can pick my nose to hard/scratch it and it starts to bleed and when it does I just go into the bathroom and let it drip into the sink, I love the color and the taste of my own blood and thats not all for the first time in a while I intentionally cut myself to ease some of my internal pain.
I seem to be cursed in so many ways, all I wish is to be thin as I am a rather large man, If I was thin I would most likely dress like an emo/goth person as I love the style and I would dye my hair black. I cannot wait for the 8th when the my internet speed/quality gets updated and I have faster internet, internet is my life I suppose. the weather here has gotten nicer, it is warm but today it is very windy, tonight I think I might go out on the balcony or if the wind has died down I will go to my spot, my spot is a little are near my apartments, it is a little road that goes into a dead end and on one side is a corn field and the other is just a small field, I love going there when it is warm and especially at night, being outside at nighttime seems to calm me down a little bit and I truly enjoy the darkness while my inner darkness is eating me alive, I feel like I am trapped in a dark cell with no one and a very small window for which outside I no longer know but it is always dark and I am always alone.
I so long for someone who understands how I feel to accompany me on this journey, like I said before I really connect with the song Boulevard of broken dreams by green day but I use other songs to describe how I feel like Demons by Imagine Dragons, Bring me to Life by Evanescence etc.
Loading comments...