quiet heart in 2016

11:55am

I feel like writing today. Not sure what I want to say yet, but writing should happen.

I started taking my BP meds again. I mean, I’ve been taking them but only here and there the last couple of months. The cough I had back around New Year’s was really bad and I’d originally attributed it to the meds, but in hindsight I was probably just getting sick. You know, because I did end up with a pretty nasty cold there after. I’ve just never really been the type to start with a cough. My colds always tend to follow the same pattern and coughing comes last, if at all.

Oh well. This last week I’ve been trying to take the pill every night before bed. I’m not really sure how I feel about it all. The nightmares/death fixation have not been an issue this time around. I still have this strange feeling in my chest although at this particular moment it could just be the coffee I’ve had. I switched back to straight black coffee after the winter/holiday season of peppermint mocha creamer. It just tastes so much better to me now without anything in it. Weird, right?

But yeah, the blood pressure. I’m still thinking the chest sensations are simply just a quiet heart? I don’t know. The meds don’t necessarily slow my heart rate but it could be connected in my case. According to my aunt and uncle who were here over New Years, and both take bp meds, the dose I’m taking is very high. I’m not sure how much I agree with them since they’re not like, actual doctors, but it could be.

Enough heart talk. The insurance I had is gone now. It’s hard to believe how expensive that stuff is and I couldn’t keep up with it. The doctor I was seeing doesn’t accept the new one so I cancelled the appointment I had for a follow-up in January and I’ll have to find someone else. I’m considering a visit to a doc in Mexico as a last ditch effort to get answers to my now almost 10 year mysterious illness. We’ll see though. I’m tired of not actually getting those answers. It’s heartbreaking to relive that conversation over and over again.

Other things: I never mentioned the guy that brought us muffins huh? It happened like right before Valentine’s Day. The funny thing is that things didn’t go so well for him this year. Like to the point where when he left I figured he was upset and might not even come back again. So it was completely unexpected to be standing at the front desk that day and watching him walk up to the door. He handed me a little bowl with two muffins wrapped up in it. I asked if he’d made them and he said yes. Apparently they’d just come out of the oven shortly before he brought them over. Awesome!

And then I made a bad joke about whether or not he had poisoned them. You know, because I am totally classy like that… =| heh.

It was fine though. He said no and I laughed and thanked him 20 times and then he was gone. The lady sitting in the waiting area said he must have been a very happy customer. ha.

This guy though. I’ve always sorta been drawn to him. In the sense that I find him interesting. Honestly it’s probably mostly the fact that I have a savior complex and I’m drawn to the broken. Especially the ex-military kind of broken.
Now, I don’t know how broken he really is, but ever since he got back he’s just had this look on his face. The kind that makes me think a lot more happened over there.

That’s why the muffin thing was so out of character. Out of all the clients he would have been one of the ones I’d put at the bottom of a suspect list for something like that.
But maybe it was because of me. I made a point to ask his sister about him when she came in first, but I think I did that last year too. Just a way to bond with clients or whatever, so they know I know them. Perhaps she told him. Then I joked with him when he came in to make his appointment. I also did that whole standing close, pointing things out, trying to be helpful thing while he was here. Oh! and he liked my music! He made a point to call out the name of a song and ask me if he was right. [Sweet child o’ mine] We talked music a bit and I made several comments about how good our music was and that I’d take credit for creating the station. haha. At some point I heard him say, “I’ll be thinking about this later.” As in - he’d be remembering the moment and thinking back on it.

The problem is that I have not thanked him for it. We were planning to send cards to everyone [did I even talk about this? We’ve had everything from lunch deliveries to wine drop offs this year] but we haven’t done it yet. I also considered sending him an e-mail message [it’s all typed up and in my drafts folder as of about three days ago] but I haven’t pulled the trigger on that either.

He’s my thought process[<—ha! Freudian slip that one. I clearly meant “Here’s“]: I would like to send handwritten thank you cards because that’s cool and personal, and what not. The only issue with that is - how do we keep a conversation going? Because at the very least it would be pretty cool to make new friends. And it’s not like he can sit down and write me back. I mean, he could, but snail mail’s not really a thing anymore amongst the current generation. Which is why I was leaning towards e-mail. Easy to respond back and forth and easier to transition to something more personal later if it came to that.

I should probably just let life play itself out though. Like maybe just send the card the same way we plan to send it to everyone else and see what happens from there. He knows where to find me. I shouldn’t try to push things too far.

Can I just say how nice it is to completely dread Saturdays only to have them turn out to be pretty easy? I don’t know why but the last two weeks I’ve come into Saturday feeling like it’s going to be a daunting task to get through. It hasn’t turned out so bad though. Always easier than I feel like it’s going to be. Thank God!

If I can just hold on for another hour then I’ll be in the clear until Monday morning! [other than the rosary we’re attending in the evenings and tomorrow being the final day so we’ll probably help prep food, but yeah.]

Countdown begins…

rose.
4:36pm

Last updated February 27, 2016