All the energy has been sucked from my marrow, heart, dreaming body. That’s a shitty sentence, it’s shotgun writing. You don’t need aim when your shell is a thousand thousand slimy things (cause STC just won’t leave my brain. It’s cold and lonely in there, but he’s been dead a long time) or, you know, pellets of some kind or the other. If you’re close enough and shoot a shotgun in the general direction of a noun you’ll hit something. Urban shotgun shooters saw off the barrel so the seed spreads early and often.
The sentence was supposed to portray exhaustion with explicit imprecision; denoting the effect and implying cryptic causation. I’m bone weary for reasons unknown. Still, my bones aren’t actually weary, the connotations are of depth. If I thought I was effectively conveying this the explanation would be patronizing and yet I continue, it’s a warning to myself. I really hate being patronized.
I’d like to blame the weather, it’s been warm for a few days. According to my weather app though from Wednesday morning until Thursday evening 6 to 10 inches of snow will lay across the soggy green patch of lawn outside my window. The app isn’t really that specific. The app is rarely correct. I’m not suggesting the phone, the app, the warm or alleged impending half a foot plus of snow is effecting my energy. I do think the pressure and the air might be.
The weather is an easy scapegoat to quote an old joke that out of context has never been funny; Everybody’s talking about the weather but nobody’s doing anything about it. If I hadn’t been here going on four years I’d insist it’s the weather and the being below sea level. Again, not the actual weather but the conditions that cause it. When the barometer rises here there’s a feeling of claustrophobia, when it lowers it’s like old air from a tire. I might have that backwards, I’m not slick with a barometer.
I can both accept the idea and deny the idea that it might have to do with my advancing age. Age might just be a number if you’re trying to convince a younger person to sleep with you or a sky diving trainer to let you take the class or the DMV to re-up your license or, on the reverse end, a bartender to pour you a jack and ginger. A jack and ginger presents your age better than any fake or real ID, it’s a drink someone read about but never tasted. The jack is supposed to lend credulity to the notion that you’ve actually ordered a drink in a bar before, the ginger ale blows that cred like a shotgun; in a fine fast spray across the bar-top. Age is just a number the way energy is being sucked from my marrow, that is to say, not in a real way. Zero is just a number too, but to the person who’s got zero it’s a life defining number.
13k and 3k are both just numbers too, try explaining that to the IRS.
In theory one could go to a doctor and ask why one is so very tired and the friendly doctor will give you an answer and a means to alleviate the problem. In practice my doctors just make me tired. If it were a pressing and immediate issue I wouldn’t just be typing about it and criticizing my word choice. If I had seen a doctor about it and gotten nowhere I’d move along the line to a priest, a shaman, a barber. I’m tired. To quote AA an organization famous for sucking all the meaning out of pithy little sayings through repetition; I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. The implication there is that force of will can cure a condition of defeated will. They also say things like; everything we have tried before hadn’t worked. Implying you go from the doctor to a priest, a shaman, a barber. More directly AA means that they are the thing you haven’t tried or tried hard enough. A couple of real gems with all the sparkly bits sucked out of them through repetition.
AA also operates on the idea that the problem is imprecise, not empirical. I mean it’s easy to stop drinking, just don’t raise the glass to your lips. Then there’s the physical part, your body starts rejecting the idea that it’s favorite chemical isn’t flowing. After that it gets complicated and part of the complication as they see it is spiritual. Every explanation of spirituality is imprecise, from scholars to tea party members, it’s an elusive concept and the more it’s questioned and tested the harder your average tea party banger argues or your average scholar gets more esoteric.
Wow. I just wander all the hell over the place don’t I? Something about shotguns, exhaustion and spirituality. Wow. Ok. Napping.
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