Rather, I should say the end of my non-relationship relationship.
What do you do with a person with whom you have so much fun and who brings you joy and happiness with heaping sides of insight, intrigue, spice and sass?
You get along famously. People assume you’re a couple when they see you together. You both clearly like each other A LOT yet this person prefers to leave things completely ambiguous with regards to the status of the relationship?
Do you let it ride because you’re having a really wonderful time, or do you let it go because he’s told you time and time again that he needs his freedom? Yet it’s clear that there’s nobody else in his life.
I spent pretty much all week with the Bulldog last week. We went to dinner on Wednesday night and to a gallery opening on Thursday and to the farmer’s market on Saturday and for a wonderful walk and then out again on Saturday night.
We talked of future plans together! He even mentioned getting a house together - mainly because we’re both trying to figure out what to do with our living situations.
Saturday night bedtime came around and we went to bed at his house.
But he snored like a freight train all night and I didn’t sleep a wink and I spent all night thinking about how he’ll never be in a committed relationship with me, yet he can speak of our future together?
It was all really so confusing, and when we woke up in the morning I was all groggy and cranky due to lack of sleep and resentment.
So I dramatically grabbed the dog and stormed out.
Drove home and cried and felt like shit about it, so I texted him asking if we could meet and talk and he said yes.
Of course, I was nervous and groggy at the same time and I always have so much trouble with “the talk” so I stumbled through what I had to say and he was all, “well, what do you want me to do?”
Basically, I just said that I can’t handle being a friend-with-benefits, and he said that he can’t give me more, so there we are at an impasse. Again.
He told me that he felt like he was being fired.
I told him I felt like I have spent two years applying for a job where I keep getting rejected!
And that’s so true. It feels like he’s telling me, I don’t have a place for you right now, but since you clearly don’t mind hanging out and filling the role that I don’t have the salary to pay for, I will let you do this for free.
I don’t understand why this hurts so much. There is nothing new to report here. It’s the same story that I started with when I met this guy. I feel so incredibly foolish and way too old to play this game.
Looks like I have TWO gaping opportunities to work on…
Happy Monday indeed.
Sadly,
GS
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