the proof is here in 2016

4:13pm

My brain is not doing well at the end of these days. Yesterday was so dang exhausting that I was freaking out at just the sound of the telephone ringing. I don’t know why it stresses me out so much. I mean, I dislike the phone in general, so that probably has something to do with it, but when I’m already mentally exhausted? It’s like ten-fold.

I had to re-do some paperwork stuff yesterday. Flip it to certified. There were like four very different forms and they all had to match perfectly so that nobody gets in trouble. It was a major pain in the back. So confusing and I kept mismatching the numbers because there were so many of them. It took me a few hours to get it done [not including the time I’d tried to work on it the day before but we got swamped and I couldn’t concentrate]. I did finally get it done though! That was the biggest relief and best feeling in the world. When suddenly all the numbers were matching and everything was coming along perfectly. I was literally talking to myself and congratulating myself out loud in the office. haha.

Tomorrow is our first day off in four weeks. Twenty-seven long days of constant work. I’m probably somewhere near 250+ hours in that time. I’m not sure. Too tired to count. heh.

And I was so looking forward to tomorrow. My favorite holiday! My first day off! A full day of nothing to do except maybe hitting the steakhouse for an early dinner. Peace. Relaxation. Battery-recharging. The whole works.

Then we got a call today. My adopted “grandma” was in the hospital, not doing well at all. They were bringing her home because the doctor said there was nothing more he could do. A matter of hours were remaining.
Twenty-five minutes later - she’s gone.

I don’t know about this life.

A matter of hours before this happened I had e-mailed my friend up in Oregon to ask her how serious she was about making a trip out to Alaska this year. I’m trying to plan my off-season so that I can fit in as many adventures [and items on my bucket list] as possible. I told her that I had been procrastinating on everything too long and we never knew how much longer we’d have to get it all done.

So true those words. Proven, yet again, this afternoon.

I can say that, so far, this isn’t hitting me nearly as hard as my uncle’s death a couple months ago [how has it possibly been that long already?!]. I wasn’t as close to her and we didn’t have that long time family link. Plus, we knew it was coming. It was only a couple of days ago that my mom said this time was different and she had a feeling that she wasn’t going to make it. She was in the hospital like a week ago and she did not look good when she got out. Not horrible, but not the same. And she’s been saying for a long time that she was ready to go. This was just the final straw I guess. The fact that she couldn’t be left alone anymore and everyone was stressing out about how to take care of her. She wanted to be at home and they couldn’t keep her there.

So I’m not surprised, and I guess that’s why it’s not hitting me that hard.

I’m going to totally sound awful and selfish right now but I have a long history with death and it’s just such terrible timing. =|
I’m not looking forward to more sobbing, and sadness, and people everywhere. That’s not my idea of a mental break. Far from it. It’s just more draining emotional discharge. The tiny reserve puddles I have left at the very outer reaches of my being are barely keeping me afloat on a regular day. I won’t make it through this.

I am sorry. But I can’t.

rose.
4:42pm