Here's a clever title for you. in Book Title.

I’m in the bathroom before dawn again, just sitting pretty on the floor next to my rambunctious cat. My computer battery will die soon so I feel compelled to write as rapidly as my fingers are able. Impressively fast is the desired speed. I am coming close to saying something of weight here. It’s dangerous to say what you mean without a loud enough background noise to block the sound of your voice from reaching the ears of those willing to hear. That’s what I learned in my social training, anyway. My folks were always teaching me things. Unintentionally.

I’m crippled by my inability to express my vulnerability. It is destroying me, it has destroyed my marriage. I miss my husband terribly, despite his terrible treatment of me, but I miss the certainty of the future even more fiercely. I am vulnerable as ever now, lacking the clear direction of a wife. Where do I go from here? How can I avoid the mistakes I’ve made and ceaselessly revisit? Will I even recognize the error of my ways on the days my eyes are bloodshot? Am I the most typical sentient flesh suit around? Is this the everyman struggle?

I’m crippled by my unwillingness to express any vulnerability. Have I mentioned that already? I guess I was taught by my folks to be stronger than most, or any, human being I encountered in society. It’s a silly thing to protect yourself from your own feelings. There’s no hope of reckoning. No reason to hold out for some form of redemption. Won’t you help to recite- these poems of masochism? All I’ve ever known. Masochism.

If looks could kill others
I’d buy a lot of mirrors
I’ve grown tired of my misery
Inviting over company
Neurosis, fear & pain
All stayed the night again
Now I’m unable to rest
Without rousing a guest
My feet search carefully
For safe perch spatially
How will I ever get free
When dark is all I see?

What does it mean
To ask if I’m clean?
I’m sure I wasn’t seen
Clear, black, or green

Perhaps it refers, then
To ink lost from my pen
It smudges so often
From the paper to skin

The simplest way to test
This association-
Fast!

Do I resemble an ink blot
An abstract black spot?
Don’t think-
What’s your first thought?

Last updated February 04, 2016