My shoes came back from vacation. I don’t know if I told y’all this or not, it’s easier to tell again than look backwards, I know for sure I didn’t tell you the end because it just happened. Not just, but in prosebox time; just. I was on way out to see GF and Dog and they were on the back porch so I tossed them in car and got back a little bit ago.
So I got these shoes I really liked at a bi-yearly sale and have been on a bit of a shoe kick, pun intended, not good, but intended. One of the pairs I ordered from amazon went to Florida. The message I first received was; Delayed. Later that day; Transit error. Later still something that involved the word transit and carrier but not error. On investigation I discovered they went from Indianapolis to Hebron (KY) to Davenport Florida.
I’ve been making shoe vacation jokes for a few days now. Yesterday I wrote this email to amazon, but the place where you write amazon was acting weird and I’m not sure if it was sent or not. It said it was sent but after a pregnant pause like when you ask “Did you eat my donut?” and the person pauses to wipe sugar off nose and then says “No.”
Here’s the letter, um, with order number and name redacted
To whom it may concern
RE order # **
These shoes seemed to have taken a vacation to Florida. You were quick to inform me of the delay and I am to contact you if they don’t arrive by the 30th of January, or return and replace. I’m going in for oral surgery soon and have a lot on my mind. Yes, it’s not difficult to go in and cancel and replace, but, you know, I’m willing to forgive y’all and say it’s not your fault the shoes went to Florida instead of the address listed on the order and on my Prime account for the last few years. I do know for certain though that it’s not my fault.
I would like some sort of concession. I think that’s reasonable, that if I have to reorder I’d like the shoes shipped by a surer and quicker method than was used previously. I love my prime account because I almost always get my orders within two days. So I won’t threaten canceling, but I do expect a more customer friendly response than I have received which, to date, has been “Delay, sent to Florida” and “if not arriving by 30th reorder”.
I’m also not demanding, I’m a reasonable person, but this is a serious fumble on your part and I think y’all should be doing more to fix it than telling me if it’s past a five day period I should make arrangements to ship without any concession to ensure that my shoes won’t go to Florida, the Caymans, Kansas — you get the picture.
How can you help with this? Even if they show up on the 30th undamaged by their travails with postage trucks and whatnot, it seems less than what a prime membership should enjoy as privilege.
Thank you for your consideration in this matter
Haredawg Drools
Ok, it was funnier before I edited it to send, unfortunately I edited it on the fly so no knee slapping. The shoes just showed up on the back porch. According to Amazon they are still in Florida. I suppose if it remains that way I could try to get a refund, but, shit, I’m not that mad and I was planning on buying the shoes in the first place not stealing them.
Um, since then I have bought two more pairs, one I justified with this pair probably never returning from Florida, but mostly because I’m compulsive and I do plan on having feet for at least five more years and I’m pretty sure they won’t be growing any or, at least not in the next five years, shrinking any either. Worse still, though, I incurred the adorable and gentle wrath of the GF who was going to get me shoes for my birthday. I suggested a suite instead. She gave me a happy growl. I was serious. I also lightly dropped my measurements for a light leather jacket. Heh. I don’t really do birthdays. A suite sounds good even though between the two of us we own or have access to more than a dozen houses.
I normally own one pair of shoes at a time and wear them until they are unwearable. The last pair I bought on this recent rampage are very high end with super don’t-you-dare-pronate-motherfucker technology. And though they cost more than a suite or a leather jacket any pair of shoes that fit me well do. When I worked in retail I bought SAS’s exclusively, I’ve never seen my style under one and a quarter. SAS’s have great arch support, cushioning and flexion and are butt ugly but pass as an ugly dress shoe which retail has a bug up it’s butt about. Well, I suppose footlocker is retail, but I didn’t work at a footlocker. And their shirts are stupid.
Ok, ok, I’m shutting the hell up, happy?
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