I do believe I’m getting a little bit better.
Sometimes the things that let me know I’m beginning to re-enter the life process again are so subtle they’re easy to miss but they’re a delight when they appear. Most of the time the fatigue and depression just take over everything else and there’s no room for ‘extras’ - it’s like it pervades your whole brain so that you can focus on nothing else - which is tedious apart from anything else. But I caught myself gazing at the piano the other day thinking “I might try playing that some afternoon.” Which sounds silly but I haven’t played a note on it for months because all my energy goes on just trying to get through the week - doing the stuff I have to do to keep my head above water and not fall further and further behind. So even just thinking about doing something which is not on the To Do list is progress.
I got my hair cut on Friday and afterwards, I stayed in town, having a miander round the shops. Normally I go straight back home again to try and get a couple of things crossed off the list before collapsing on the bed for another few hours but I’d managed to bag the last brie & grape on malted bread sandwich from Sainsburys before I’d gone for the haircut (as a veggie it’s difficult to get tasty and varied sandwiches and this one is really popular and is usually sold out) and I’d also found a Debenhams gift card in my purse which turned out to have £19 on it - nice surprise! So I treated myself to a pot of Earl Grey in their cafe and blatantly ate the Sainsburys sandwich while reading one of the books for my counselling course. It was just lovely.
Then I wandered round the shop trying to decide what to spend my new-found gains on and eventually bought a top, silver ring and pair of silver earrings before taking myself off home again. More ‘extras’. Spending time on pretty things for myself rather than just putting on something which will ‘do’ or spending money on things I ‘need’ rather than ‘would like’.
I worked out I was in town around 5/6 hours. Admittedly around an hour of that was getting my hair cut and having my little tea party but that’s still a hell of a lot more than I would have been able to do a few months ago.
Then on the Saturday and Sunday, I had a 2 full days of training and on Monday, I looked after Lily for a couple of hours before Nikki came back with Lilah after taking her swimming. We had lunch in the house then took ourselves off to Satrosphere (a sort of science play area) for the afternoon after which they headed off home around half past 4. I went through some stuff I’d taken from Mum’s flat then lay down for a bit. Not so long ago the lying down bit would have happened immediately after I’d waved the girls goodbye - literally get through to the kitchen to feed the cats then get up to bed before I fell down on the spot and slept there! Now - not always but sometimes - I’m able to cope with doing some ‘extra’ task or two before lying down.
I also went out to tea on Sunday night after the training. I just wouldn’t have been able to cope with that before. I would have been dead-in-the-water crying with exhaustion after a whole day focusing on something and would have been out for the count for hours afterwards. Sure I needed a nap after the training - but it was only for half an hour and I woke refreshed, ready to enjoy the evening.
So yeah I think I might be making a bit of headway.
Of course that was written yesterday and today I’m wishing I hadn’t said it because I’ve been incredibly sleepy all morning and could hardly force myself to surface for the day at 1.30 today! (I always get up between 8 and 9 to feed the cats and clean out the litter tray but it’s all done in a sort of nightmarish daze). However I’m up and have eaten and that’s blown away some of the cobwebs.
The other week, Nikki, starved of adult conversation after a couple of days solid with the girls, asked if she could Facetime me for half an hour just for a yap because we weren’t seeing each other until 3 days later. It’s been a good while since we’ve done this because we usually see each other regularly and text in between visits. Well Lily was absolutely beside herself with excitement! She hogged the conversation for the first 20 minutes showing me anything and everything as though I’d never been to her house before until we finally suggested she go and draw me a picture then she could show me that so off she went. Immediately. As though her life depended on it. Complete with cycling helmet. (She hadn’t been riding her bike - she just likes wearing it :) )
And it just made me think how lucky I am having the 3 of them so near. I just can’t imagine what it’s like being thousands - even hundreds - of miles away from your grandchildren. I know the technology we have nowadays is absolutely amazing and can go a long way to reduce the stress of not being able to see them in real life when you want to but I’m sure it’s just not the same.
Every Monday I look after Lily while Nikki takes Lilah swimming and that moment when I hear the car, open the front door and have Lily shout “Granny!” then run straight into my arms for a huge bear hug is just priceless. No amount of Facetiming could make up for that.
I see many diaries in here written by daughters/daughters-in-law moaning and griping about mothers/mothers-in-law and what they’ve said/done when looking after their little bundles and I have to say it irks somewhat. I don’t begrudge an occasional rant every now & then and it’s better to do it on here than fly off the handle face to face but I wish sometimes they’d realise how lucky they are to have family nearby who can help out. When I was bringing up Nikki, Mum was 100 miles away, my sisters and brothers even further and there was no-one readily available to ring up and ask for a break just to get some sleep or catch up with stuff, far less take her when I went back to work.
Rant over.
The course is going well so far - we’ve had 3 full weekends with 7 still to go. The group numbers around 21 and all of them seem really lovely although I haven’t worked with some of them yet. My main gripe is not being able to sleep properly the nights before the course days which is really annoying. Although I’m getting some sleep now which at least is something but I find I’m taking longer than usual to get to sleep then waking up around an hour or two later and lying half-awake/half asleep for what feels like ages. As well as waking early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep again.
The training is held in a large room in the counselling agency and most of the rooms have low level lighting because the overhead fluorescent lights would be too bright in a counselling setting. Instead there are lamps dotted about which certainly gives a nice atmosphere and is far less harsh but is a killer on a Sunday afternoon around 3 o’clock!!
It’s nice to get back into it all again though and I’m managing to keep up with coursework needed but it basically means I’m hardly going out or seeing anyone because I can only do so much at a time so it takes me a few days in short bursts to get through it. However that’s okay as it’s only for 6 months. After that we’re expected to take on at least two clients at the Agency for around two years. Which is why the training is free.
What has put a spanner in the works though is the Government’s good old Department of Work and Pensions who decide whether or not you’re fit for work. They do this by making you go through a work assessment where someone bombards you with ridiculous questions in rapid fire succession, makes you walk across the room, lie on a bed, bend your knees and stretch your arms and awards you points as a result of what they see. I had mine on the 20th of November, 3 days after Mam died. They refused to re-arrange the appointment so I had to return from Inverness just to go through it and at the end, the girl mentioned something about how there was snow forecast that weekend. I said I hoped not because I had my mother’s funeral to go on the Tuesday and when she found out Mam had just died she was at least apologetic for having made me go through the thing so when I heard nothing back in the following weeks I was hoping she’d taken pity on me.
Ha! More fool me. On the 13th January I got a letter saying they were stopping my benefit as they deemed me fit for work but because it had been 2 months since I’d had the thing and they’d carried on paying me the Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) I thought it meant there had been a positive outcome and had therefore arranged the course thinking that might be something which would help to get me back on my feet this year. I should be entitled to ESA for a year and it was July last year when I started getting it so I thought that would fit in perfectly with the course coming to an end in that the year would be up at the same time.
I had an appointment with someone in the local Citizens Advice Bureau the other week to talk about my pension and while I was there, asked him about appealing the decision and he said basically they ignore anything to do with depression, anxiety and fatigue and concentrate on mobility, organisation and looking after yourself. So if you get yourself to the work assessment appointment, manage to talk to someone in an organised fashion, tell them you do your own shopping and look after yourself at home, appear able to move around and work your limbs without aid, then you’re screwed!
He also added that he’s never seen anyone appeal successfully yet.
Fabulous.
I have written to them to ask for an appeal though because I feel it’s worth trying but I have a feeling I’m wasting precious energy and perhaps I should just go to the JobCentre and sign on then desperately try and stall them for 5 months until the course is finished! I doubt I’d get away with that either though because they’ve clamped down loads on the benefit system in the last few years and now, instead of just looking for a job, you have to do it in a specific way using only their approved website, attend lots of coaching/jobhunting/training sessions and not miss any of the signing on appointments or your benefit gets stopped. They can also make you sign on every day if they so desire. It’s a dismal, disheartening and humiliating experience and nobody who works there is in any way, shape or form any kind of role model for wanting to work believe me!
This little lady has finally started to crawl.
It’s so funny when you’re used to a baby been sat in one place and suddenly she’s RIGHT THERE when you turn round! She’s only been moving for around 2 weeks and has decided she’ll just move on to standing up now thankyouverymuch, usually with the help of furniture but she did it twice by herself at mine on Monday so we’re expecting her to start walking next week :)
I made Angel Delight for Lily on Monday as a treat and she left the dish on her wee table in the sitting room instead of putting it in the kitchen sink. After a while Nikki asked her to put it away and she said “It’s gone Mummy”. We suddenly realised someone had got there first!
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