10:30 AM
Well I just lost 3 huge paragraphs I wrote yesterday and left for today because I had a super bad headache yesterday and couldn’t finish it. I went to put a video in but some popup came up and I the only way I could have gotten rid of it was to refresh the page. THANKS EASY DIARY! (I write my entries on Easy Diary and then copy and paste to my other diaries.) Man I talked about so much. Here is the short version of it, I gave up religion and I am moving out. I have been fighting with religion my whole life it seems, I was raised a catholic but after years and years of studying I just rejected the bible and became a deist (A person who uses logic and reason to determine the existence of a single creator of the universe and rejects religious authority and revelation) but that didn’t really change much and still left my faith dependent on a god. Finally one day I just gave it up and let me tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because religion to me was based on fear and I was afraid to give it up. But I was also afraid of going to hell and I read a quote from someone playing Lucifer (I don’t like to use the word “Satan” or “devil”, he has a name and it is Lucifer) “Doesn’t matter if it is 1 sin or 1000 you are still going to hell so why not make it a million and come down here a legend.” To me it just said that no matter what you do you will end up going to hell anyway because no one lives a perfect and sin free life except or maybe monks. but I am going to be honest, when I finally accepted it and gave up religion I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I finally felt that freedom that I have always been searching for. Growing up I said, “Once I finish school I will feel completely free.” And when that didn’t happen and I discovered my mental problems it became, ok I cannot work but once I get on Disability and I can earn a living I will feel completely free.” Again didn’t happen, and it went on like that setting goals but I never felt this level of freedom then when I gave up religion.
Onto moving out, I talked with my therapist and we basically agreed that it was time for me to move out and she is helping me with goodwill housing. Mother is just getting more and more sick and honestly, growing up with just her we have this special bond, and at this point I just accepted that she might die soon (I hope not though) and I need to distance myself emotionally because the closer I am to her the more it is going to hurt when she is gone and I don’t think my mental state could have taken her death at all. This led to a build up of extreme frustration and I took it out by playing video games, yelling and throwing controllers, punching stuff, exct. And my Therapist and I agreed that moving out is the best option and it will help me in many ways.
Definition of renegade (A person who leaves one group, religion, etc. and joins another that opposes it.)I have been a Renegade and Rebel my whole life.
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