determination in 2016

9:35pm

Oh let me tell you more about this silly little world.

It’s determined to strand me in this place forever.

Or, maybe I’m the one that’s determined and it’s merely granting me my own chosen destiny?
I guess that could be possible.
Either way, it’s annoying.

I’m talking about the whole ck thing, obviously. We all know that that’s the only ‘thing’ I’ve got going on. Or not even “going on” because it doesn’t really exist anymore. But yeah.

He came up again yesterday. We’d received our furniture delivery at the office about 5 minutes after we opened. [Thank God for that too because this is one of our slower weeks and it was kind of perfect timing.] Sometime during the late morning we were in the midst of unscrewing the old desk when mom says, “where’s ck at?” I was questioning the name because it caught me off guard, but then I remembered how I’d told her the story a few months ago about how he’d always come in and tighten all the little knobs. Apparently she’d remembered and was asking where he was so that he could come help us take it all apart. ha. We started talking about how helpful it would be to have him around, and how he’d probably listen to us instead of trying to take over [like every other man], and then she asked what ever happened to him. I told her that I hadn’t heard anything. I didn’t know whether he was still in Alaska or what he was up to. We talked about how M/J had not even mentioned him when we saw them over Thanksgiving. She said she’d meant to ask but forgot.

I don’t know exactly what goes through my mother’s head but I have a feeling that she thinks all kinds of things happened between us. Just the way she talks about it whenever it occasionally gets brought up. And she’s always asking me what happened to him, which I have no idea how to answer. He disappeared? I don’t know.

We wondered whether he’d show back up this year or not.

Then I get home today, and I start poking around fb, and of course he shows up in my suggested friends list again. I immediately notice that the picture’s different. It was a pretty obvious change. I spend 10, or 20, minutes contemplating whether I want to click on it or not. I’m curious, of course, but how far into this do I want to get?

Eventually I went back in and clicked. Wandered over to his page and saw the new picture. It’s the only thing that’s been posted publicly since like November [and that was only some article he reposted]. I don’t know how often he’s actually on there. It’s possible that he posts a lot of stuff that’s private. I can’t imagine that he only gets on there every few months and changes the picture without actually updating anything else or speaking to anyone.

Anyway, I clicked the picture and it’s so typical ck. Like he’s standing in the middle of nowhere with a coffee cup in his hand [only it’s filled with tea b/c there are tea bag strings dangling off the side]. His red beard is poking out from around his face and he’s wearing an old tattered up baseball cap from my neighbor’s company. The cup is pulled up close to his face and he’s wearing sunglasses so there’s not much more visible, which doesn’t surprise me. I’ve never really been able to read him or his expressions. I shouldn’t expect to be able to look into his eyes in some picture that pops up on my stupid page.

I didn’t stay on the page too long. Poked around a little because I can’t help myself, but didn’t find anything of interest. You know, like if he’s run off and gotten married and/or had 10 kids by now. ;)

All the reminders though. I don’t get it. I know I read too much into stuff so that could definitely be why this is even a thing right now. That’s just the way it is though. I can’t change it. There are too many coincidences and weird reminders, and I pick up on all of them. Because yeah. Determination, or something?

There are other moments I want to tell you about [nothing more to do with this subject, I swear] but it’s after my newly discovered bedtime and I’m exhausted after another long week. Tomorrow may very well be my last day off for four, maybe five, weeks and I’d like to try to take advantage of it as best I can. Let’s hope actual sleep comes easy.

rose.
10:51pm