talking moments in 2015

9:45pm

We got together with the friends for dinner tonight. Mostly because we missed Dancing with the Stars last night and she records it on her dvr [or whatever they call those things.] We were at the airport picking up my aunt last night, and then eating a giant piece of cheesecake for dinner that I couldn’t finish [despite only eating half my lunch and no other food].

So anyway, Mom made green enchiladas and our friend made rice/beans and we made a whole meal out of it. I picked up a 12 pack and the day was complete. hah. It was nice though. I miss having dinners like that. All of us together, enjoying the company and the crazy conversations. It’s like one of those families you see on TV where everyone’s talking at once. There are four different conversations going on and everyone just really seems to be enjoying themselves.

I miss having moments like that. The people have sorted been split up and are living all over the country now. Like my ‘cousin’ and his wife are all the way out in Florida now. They’re in town for an extended vacation/Thanksgiving and it’s so nice to have everyone together. Or almost everyone. But still. It was great. And I stood there listening to everyone talking, with a beer in my hand, and I realized how much I missed those moments. I wish there were more of them.

Sometimes I have moments like these and I think about what it would be like to join a big family. I mean I love my family, there’s no doubting that, but get-togethers tend to consist of a mix of friends and family since ours is so small. I can only imagine what it would be like to be a part of a family like that. Big, and crazy, and so full of life.

Anyway, right after dinner Mom’s phone started ringing. She pulled it out and said she didn’t recognize the number, but I caught a glimpse of it and recognized it as JR’s house phone. She’d never seen it before apparently and I took the phone to answer. I picked up and he could hear all the background noise. [Everyone had suddenly decided to make noise at once!] and he said that he didn’t want to bother me and we’d talk later.

He has this thing though. Where he thinks he’s bothering you and he’ll try to leave quickly. It’s not actually a bother though. He just jumps to the extreme and honestly it’s kind of annoying to me. I’ll tell you if you’re bothering me, trust me.

But yeah. I told him I’d already finished eating and it was no big deal. So we talked, mostly business stuff. He said he wanted to tell me about it before he forgot. And I get it. He probably wouldn’t remember by the time I go into the office on Thursday. So I told him that I totally understood.

Except he had started to tell me about something and I was completely lost and struggling to keep up. I told him to give me a second to work it out in my head and he said he was sorry for talking so fast. I said, “no, that’s ok. It probably has to do with the 6 [an exaggeration] beers I’ve had” and he says, “that’s ok. I’ve had half a bottle of wine.” I started laughing and said, “that’s great! The two of us together are going to get so much work done!!” I mean, a couple of drunk kids trying to work on real adult responsibilities; yeah right!

A few minutes later he said something about how he’d raised his glass to “cheers” me. I told him that I didn’t have a drink and that his gf [who is now apparently living with him…] should raise her glass for me. He said she was off doing her own thing though.

I kind of wondered why the heck he was on the phone with me. Like what made him decide to call me at that moment. Sure, he might have forgotten some information, but that’s not a big deal. It wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait.

As much as I try to put distance between us, sometimes there are still moments where I wonder what’s going through his head. Like sitting there with your gf and deciding to call someone else. The way he’ll call me after a few days of not talking and ask me some random question that isn’t that important. There was this moment the other day where I got all up in his space and asked him how he liked it [I’ve mentioned our thing with my space bubble right? And how he’ll always realize he’s too close, bring it up, and back away?]. Well I reached over into his space, asked if it was not bothering him, and when he didn’t react I had this moment like what if he was ok with it? What could possibly be rolling through his mind and did he like that I was suddenly that close to him?

I worry about that stuff with him. Because I’ve set boundaries. I’ve made it very clear that nothing’s going to happen between us. Mom even made a joke about him being like my brother and I’m totally rolling with it every chance I get. But I still have these moments and I still wonder if maybe he’s thinking about things that don’t exist. That can’t, and will not, exist.

That’s not really my problem though. I can’t worry about every little moment. It’s kind of exhausting trying to watch my every move and hoping that some guy won’t take it the wrong way. Sure, I hate leading people on and I don’t think it’s fair for either party, but I shouldn’t be the only one to have to worry about it. Especially not if I’m making my intentions very clear.

Oh well though. I’m going to keep interacting the way I am and hope that he’s not only gotten the hint but that he’ll also run with it. We could be very good friends and he definitely could be like my brother, so we should stick with that!

This is already getting long so remind me next time to tell you about his friend that stopped by the office yesterday.

Ok. Bed time.

rose.
10:42pm

Last updated January 12, 2016