had to know in 2015

9:42pm

I’m sitting around here listening to a playlist of country music that my brother put together. It’s kind of funny but he actually listens to a lot of the same music that I enjoy. Who knew? We might be related after all! ;)

I just finished having a snack and I’m drinking a weird mix of whiskey and vodka. Hey, don’t knock it ‘till you try it.

We went to a quinceañera today. I’d sorta been dreading it, you know, because of my anxiety in social situations. But I’ve been trying really hard lately to attend things that I have some kind of obligation to attend. I’m at the age now where not showing up should come with a legitimate excuse and I don’t usually have one of those. So there’s a part of me that’s saying “no” to more stuff because of my need to take care of myself and be a little selfish. Then there’s the part of me that’s trying really hard to say “yes” even if I think it’s going to make me uncomfortable. For the most part I end of having a pretty decent time when I attend things like this out of obligation. But I still reach my limits pretty quickly.

We’d gone to the church around 2 and that lasted about an hour and a half. Then we came home to kill some time and headed back to the dinner/dance a bit after 4. I got to the location, sat down in my chair, and didn’t move again until after 8. And that was after I’d told Mom that I was considering just waiting for her in the car. I was getting tired, there were tons of people [which didn’t bother me that bad], I was bored, and they’d suddenly started playing really loud music. I’m too old for stuff that shatters my ear drums, so yeah I was ready to walk away.

I feel bad that I’m not more outgoing sometimes. That I don’t like to dance and get all wild. Although there wasn’t any alcohol either so that didn’t help. hah. [Well there was, but you had to drink it within this little enclosed square. Note to self: do not throw any parties at that location!] Not to mention that I’ve also been dealing with a lot of fatigue lately. Can’t quite figure it out. I always blame it on being lazy, but I’m seriously tired these days. Like I just feel exhausted all day long and all I want to do is take a nap. I’m getting 9+ hours of sleep a night and I still feel like I could use a nap. I mean, I’ve always said that 10hrs a night would be my ideal, but I shouldn’t feel this tired. Maybe it’s just that I was so far in the negatives that I’m still trying to recuperate. That Vegas work trip was crazy, and I still need to write about it.

All this sleep talk is making me want to just go to bed now. It’s getting late anyway. I just need to finish typing this up because there’s stuff on my mind.

See, we showed up at church [and were like the first ones there] and one of the next families was this guy that worked at my old high school and I knew his brother. Actually, there’s probably an entry about him around somewhere, maybe from the TOD days. I don’t know. But he was definitely a moment in my life. Like maybe late middle school, or early high school, and I remember talking to him a lot. I think we wrote letters [I probably still have those!] and I remember he called me one day, well 3-way called my house because this was back when landlines were the thing and your friend would call to cover up for the guy. haha! He asked me out, like to be his girlfriend and I seriously just remember going into a panic and turning him down. Not long after that he ended up moving out of town. Only later I found out he was back and apparently is still around. We never spoke again after he ‘left’ though.

So when I saw his brother, and Mom told me that he was related to the family, I had a moment of wondering whether this guy would be there and if I’d even recognize him. Well, I recognized him, and he sat in the pew across the aisle so I could see him out of the corner of my eye the entire time. Great…

I avoided though. I’m not very good at doing anything other than that. Like I wanted to make eye-contact and see if he knew who I was. How could he not? I still look the same. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every time I could tell he’d turned in my direction, I looked away, and I’m really good at pretending to not see someone. Then after church he was standing in a certain area and it was funny because he walked away at the same time that my Mom decided to walk in that direction and talk to someone else. heh. Then at the reception/dinner thing, I saw him sitting towards the other side of the building and before we’d even finished eating, he moved to the table right behind me. ugh…he was making it hard for me to act oblivious.

I’m not sure if he’s married, but I’m pretty sure he’s got at least a couple kids. I don’t even know what he’d think about seeing me. He has to have known it was me, it’s not like we only spoke once, but I just don’t know how much is left in his memories. I don’t remember that much about him, but he clearly felt something for me at the time.

This is one of those moments where I wish I could peek inside someone’s head, even just for a second, to see if they’re having any thoughts about me.

I left without ever being able to make contact with him. Part of me feels like I should regret that, but what was I going to say anyway? Had I actually allowed myself to look him in the eyes, well, I’m going to guess that maybe I would have smiled and then turned the other way. We don’t have anything to say to each other, I doubt he’d come up and give me a hug, and so it’s better just like this. He has to know I saw him. Maybe he’ll think I don’t remember him. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now.

What’s done is done.

[But I’m curious enough to probably look for those letters tomorrow. ha]

Bed now.

rose.
11:14pm

Last updated January 09, 2016