the season in 2015

10:22pm

I’m going to try to type this up real quick so that I can get ready for bed.

We have to be up semi-early tomorrow because we’re leaving to our annual convention. Four days of classes/work/learning/and catching up with old friends from around the country. It’s kind of surprising but I always look forward to catching up with all these people. It doesn’t give me anxiety at all to be around so many people [thousands in total!]. So I enjoy this time of year. I like that we’ve met so many people and that we constantly run into them throughout the meetings. It’s pretty cool. :-)

In not so cool news: I had to go to a rosary last night and the funeral/burial today. It was for my neighbor’s grandma. I’ve known them forever and she’s always been a pillar in that family. I’m not sure what they’ll do without her. I mean, she was in her 90s and she still cooked lunch for them every day. Amazing woman! So sweet, and kind, and gentle. I’ll miss her. She always sat in front of us in church and it was interesting that both yesterday and today there was an empty bench in front of us. =( First funeral I’ve been to in a while. I mostly avoid them these days, but I felt like I had to go to this one. She was always asking about me and cared about everyone. I had to be there for this one.

And next week, after I get back from the work convention, I’ll be attending another one. Not sure if we’ll get home in time for the rosary on Thursday, but there’s the funeral on Friday to attend. It’s actually for JR’s grandpa. I only met the man once, but we’ve known the family forever. Being as close as I am with JR these days, well, I just know that I need to be there. Sometimes you have to put your anxieties away and just do what you need to do.

It’s crazy because we found out about both of these deaths within hours of them happening. Like we were some of the first people to hear and I guess that kind of gives me more motivation to be there through the services. Like if we’re important enough to hear about it so quickly, well we need to be there to support them.

I’ve been thinking about what I can say to them. We don’t spend that much time together. And I realized that maybe it’s possible that I’ve never even hugged JR. Which seems like a big deal. I know I’m not big on the touchy-feely stuff, but I give in to the hugs all the time because of my cultural background. It’s weird to have never hugged him, but I think I’ve been keeping my distance. Trying to keep things separate and not over-step my boundaries. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not like I can attend this funeral, see him, and not reach over though. It would feel awkward if I didn’t, so I’ll just go with it and see what happens.

I feel like this is just the start of many such occasions though. I’m not good at this stuff. My sick sense of humor doesn’t play well with others. Especially in sad situations.

I’m going to need to work on that.

Oh, so I switched my pill taking time to right before bed instead of in the morning. It’s been working better. I still have a pretty annoying cough, but it hasn’t been as bad as when I first started the meds. All the other side effects seem to be toned down as well. If it gets any worse and/or I’m overwhelmed by this cough then I’m going to call the doc and see if he can switch to something else. I guess it’s better to have a few side effects as opposed to an exploding heart, right? Maybe.

The death inside has been toned down as well. I can still feel some of the moments, but they’ve been easier to get through. I mean, the first week or so I had at least two separate panic attacks about death/dying and that’s not something I’d like to experience on a regular basis. I need to keep at least that one thing in check. So we’ll see how it goes. I’m so glad I’m in such good touch with my emotions/body/everything.

I need to go now though. I’m pretty sure I’m mostly packed. And I can’t believe that we’re coming back right before Halloween. Good thing I have my mask/outfit ready for candy passing! Another year of scaring little kids! Can’t wait. ;)

rose.
10:46pm

Last updated January 09, 2016