It’s 2am at where I live and I finally decided to start my journal.
I have no idea where I wish to go with this, but I just felt the need to write something down in semi-public. Some kind of need to be heard, but without the burden of being humiliated or accidentally humiliate others. Whatever this turns out to be, it is not a cry for help for I feel to be in somewhat good ground with my feelings. Maybe. I consider this to be more like a channel towards understanding the full spectrum of those feelings. And above all to share. I’m grateful for all of you who take time to read my story.
As for myself, I’am 33-years old man living on my own and attending university at my home town. I’m healthy, social and I (usually) have a very positive disposition which has lead me to have many friends. I don’t work as I quit my dead-end IT job to attend university a few years ago, but recent changes in my life have led me to consider getting a part-time-job to get some more income.
As I previously said, I have friends. Some of them are very close indeed and I know them to be there for me. But there is just something blocking me mentally to open to my friends, especially about the things that have burdened me during the last months. Any direct questions about my well-being I shrug off with a smile and vigorous “I’m fine, don’t you worry about me.”.
I have always done this, I have always been one to be the one who “manages well”. Usually this has been the truth, not many things bother me long enough to be a real problem and I have always survived. I do think this is common in men (at least men in my country) as we seldom share anything deeply personal with each other. This has been at least my impression and I have coped well.
I cut to the chase. Last summer I lost the love of my life in a breakup. We had been together over 10 years, most of them happily living together. She was the one to initiate the breakup for reasons that were complicated, but born entirely from rational thinking. No drama, no affairs or such. One big part of it was that she wanted children and while I do like children I don’t see myself as being a father. She knew this as I had always been honest and open about not wanting any children and until the last year she had agreed. Something changed and she started to feel the need to have children while still young and I understand this completely. She also admitted that while going through these new found needs she had lost some of the feelings she felt towards me. Kept saying that she loved me and didn’t love me.
Understanding someone’s reasons is very different from accepting them and I had to go through hell of an emotional storm during the summer to find acceptance towards her decision. I felt betrayed, deeply hurt and my feelings deprecated. I still do, but during the autumn I learned to accept the situation. Something cold claimed that place where my anger resided during the summer. I feel sad and try not to think of the life I lost as I’m constantly reminded that change is good and I should look forwards. And I do try to look this positively but mostly I feel sad and empty. It’s been over 6 months now and we have lived together as room-mates as we do get along quite well despite the situation.
Today a few things happened that relate directly to my situation. I finally got the keys to my new apartment and I’ll move out from our former home tomorrow. I also found out that she has a new boyfriend. Not from her, but from a mutual friend by accident.
As for the information itself, it didn’t come entirely as a shock to me. I had suspected this for a while (they met first time in November), but had turned my gaze as I felt that this is not my concern any more. I also know, that she has gone through a lot of trouble to save my feeling by hiding the new relationship as best as she could.
Strange thing is, I don’t really care that she has a new boyfriend. I don’t need to hold on to her, she can have her own life and that wont cost me anything anymore.
All I feel is this deep sadness that I can’t dispel. For the first time in my life I feel broken.
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