I managed to move out finally. Well, mostly at least. I have still some things at her apartment and we agreed to go through them together this evening. I don’t know how it will go as the whole move has been a living hell to me. But I’m just happy to see her again.
She was on a vacation with her new boyfriend when I started the move. They were abroad just like we always planned to go (we did travel some, but never too far because we didn’t have the money). Whatever traveling-plans I have thought of for the future, it was always with her and her alone. The thought is killing me even now and believe me it was not easy to go through our belongings wondering how things could be different. Every goddamn item was a reminder of our time together and I collapsed several times when I was there alone. Thank god I had my friend helping me with the furniture so I had some company during the first day.
But yesterday, I was there alone the whole day. I felt worthless, pushed aside and emotionally destroyed. When I took in my hands a small glass figurine of an raccoon holding a heart I begun to shake and had to sit on the floor. I cried because it was one of my gifts to her symbolizing the bond we had. I had to get out of the apartment and I took what little I had managed to gather.
I was an emotional wreck for the whole day. I haven’t eaten properly but once every day for a week and that is nowhere near enough. I know this, but I have no energy or desire to cook anything which is weird as the cooking is something I genuinely love to do. I think I should eat more and that might help me to stay positive, but I feel no joy thinking that I would have to cook in a empty apartment for no one else than for my self.
Yesterday evening she finally returned from her vacation and we had a long talk over the internet about all of this. It felt so good to be able to share my pain with her and she was genuinely sad about the situation. She reminded that the days we had had been the most happy she had and she wouldn’t give up one second from that time. I asked her to try and be my friend as the thought of losing her completely is the one that is tearing me apart. She promised that we would do things together again like always, but now as friends and that meant the world to me. She said that there was nothing that could replace me in her life. Afterwards she showed me pictures of her trip and I was so happy to have her share her thoughts with me.
You might think me of a fool for crying over this, but I had dedicated most of my adult life for that girl. I may have not been the perfect boyfriend, but everything I did I did for her. Whole my life was planned to be with her, take care of her and doing things with her. I was dedicated to make her happy in any way I could. I still am, but now I’m broken and I only feel happy when she is around.
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