Dad -.- in Life In The Now.

My mum passed on 27/07/2013, so this inevitably makes me dwell on both of them.
I tend to do most of my thinking in the dark, when it’s quiet with whatever music means something to me at the time. My normal thought process for dealing with my Dads death has been put off. Instead I chose to have company around me, Saturday both Matt and Stu came over, a lot of fun was had and some beautiful Gold Standard Russian Vodka was drank, thank you Matt.

Today, with everyone back to work and the world continuing to spin I’ve sunk back into my head. I’ll zone out picturing the reasons I should be upset, all the reasons I’m not upset and wonder just how I’m going to process this?

Because of the life he led I expected that this day would come eventually but through either an overdose or some alcoholic induced coma he didn’t recover from, it would have been a natural end for him.

Instead though, the police believe someone attacked him and now thanks to those injuries he’s passed, that unsettles me, thinking someone has killed him. I can’t quite process that.

Since I found out about his admission to hospital a part of me has shut down just so I can deal with everything as it comes, but deep down I know there is so much about this that will never be resolved, the likelihood of catching the person did this is minimal, the police won’t be considering this the highest of priorities given the area, his past, his family and I can’t say I blame them.

If I had to choose a song from my experiences with my Dad it would be Marilyn Manson’s – Mutilation Is the Sincere Form of Flattery, it’s how I imagine he dealt with a lot of things in his life, just not giving a shit and living one moment to the next with no real repercussions.

I’m trying to find reason in the random, just so I can find a way to control the chaos that’s going on inside but there is no logic and I already know this, but still I think if I dwell on it long enough I’ll find something; something I missed the last however many times I thought about this, proof checking my own thoughts for every little detail and every little fucking piece of the puzzle I’ve been given but something is missing.

I’m missing the emotional piece that’s meant to tie all of this together, the part of me that can empathise, understand and process any to put order to the frantic emotional score playing what I can only describe as ‘Maggot Brain’.

When my mum died I had a lot of things on my mind, life was irrevocably changed and so many decisions had to be made I could distract myself and people, they wanted to know how I was feeling, for me to explain how I was dealing, at least then I had any form of emotional memorabilia I needed to fall back on to be realistic or fake but with this I don’t.

Obviously, I never faked with anyone here for the last thing I just mentioned, but the emotional parasites that crawl out of the woodwork during such events is another thing, this will be the same shortly.

Tuesday, things will proceed to register his death and plans for the funeral will get into motion. I’d like to think my outlook will change but until it is all said and done I don’t think I’ll process this in any of my normal ways.

Shit’s about to get fucking tedious isn’t it? Sigh.

Bed time I think.

Night all.
G

Last updated January 02, 2016