I woke up this morning, thinking that this year hasn’t gone the way I planned.
I thought I’d be 6 months pregnant by now. We started trying this summer. It hasn’t happened for us and the reasons why are complicated but it’s basically “lack” of trying and it isn’t on my part. That’s a symptom of further issues and my husband doesn’t really want to talk about it. And I don’t want to push it because his dad died this year and I know that’s why. And even if I do, he says everything is OK.
So if I’m not pregnant, I should be in good shape, right? I’ve been working out more than ever. Except that I’ve also been eating more than ever, mostly everytime I think about how I’m not pregnant. And I’m also not doing much of everything. I’m not homeschooling my oldest because my husband didn’t want me to, so she goes to public school and she’s drowning on a lot of levels and I’m not fixing that because I don’t know how. I’m going to conferences and working with her at home and reading to her and being her mom. Academics aren’t the problem. She’s got anxiety and she cries when things aren’t perfect. And she is crushed everytime some clique rejects her. How do I fix that?
And I’m just doing nothing. I’m at home and I clean. I vacuum and I do laundry. I scrub counters and toilets. I go to the dry cleaners and the grocery store. I take kids to the park and ballet class. I’m not interesting or beautiful or fun.
I’m not who I want to be. But I don’t really know exactly who that is.
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