A Sacrifice in 2015

I feel hungover, although it’s likely dehydration. I feel like this every time I wake up now. My sleep schedule has gotten pretty out of whack partially from Lyft and partially from just not being able to sleep unless exhausted. I wake up a few minutes after trying to nap, which is lame.

I haven’t seen Star Wars yet. I’ve been avoiding Facebook to avoid spoilers. At this point, I probably will see it instead of definitely, I just have no one to go with and it seems like one of those movies you want to go with friends to see. Everyone else has already seen it. Apparently it’s pretty good. I think it would have been hilarious if it was absolute shit, just because of the unprecedented amount of hype and all the plans for sequels and whatnot.

I ended up going down to Eugene Friday after work to hang out with my friends Peter and Chase and a couple of their friends. Quite fun times, there were lots of laughs. I definitely did nothing but sleep, go out to a diner, sleep, and then drive back to Portland Saturday. Well, with Lyft driving that night. It’s still hit-or-miss, but I’m almost to 50 rides, so that should mean 300 bucks for my referral, which will be sweet. After that I’ll try to get in with Uber, apparently they get a lot more rides due to being a more prevalent brand.

I’m quickly falling for my married co-worker friend Courtney. There has always been an attraction between us since she started at work a year ago. Since she was married and I started seeing Mayumi regularly around then, I never let it develop into anything. I’ve always thought she was really attractive, funny and just generally, that in another universe we would have been best friends or dated. At hangouts with co-workers I’ve done my best to deflect her mild drunken advances(nothing crazy, just constant compliments and holding my hand and stuff). I’ve gotten to know her a lot more the past several months, we’ve shared the worst parts of our backstories and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. It seems like she’s been on my mind more and more the last several weeks. At first she rented just a tiny room in my head, but she’s slowly knocking down walls and expanding her domain.

We had a secret santa exchange on Friday, and of course she was my santa, just as Mayumi was the year before. Mayumi’s gift was thoughtful, a bunch of candy from Uwajimaya, a large grocery store with food imported from various Asian countries that she knew I liked. Courtney’s was far, far better. I received a pack of Shakespearean Insult Gum, which is as insane and cool as it sounds. There were two cute little packs of erasers, one of fish and one of steaks. I have some fast food erasers that I decorate my desk with, so now I have more decorations. There was some ornament ball thing of Lego-ish blocks, and also a book. Everything was individually wrapped and in a cool bag. The book was Tim and Eric’s Zone Theory. For those unfamiliar, Tim and Eric make commercials, TV shows and movies that are SUPER weird. It’s definitely one of those love or hate brands of humor, I am a fan and Courtney and I quote stuff from them sometimes. For those who do know, it probably seems completely insane that a Tim and Eric book could stoke my feelings for someone, but it does. She apparently was up until 1AM the night before wrapping the presents and putting everything together when she has to get up at 5 most mornings for work. She definitely went over the price limit with the bundle, probably with the book alone. There is no other person in the world that would think to get me such a funny, yet thoughtful bundle of gifts. She gets me, better than anyone ever has before.

She’s been on my mind a lot since then and over the weekend with some definitely flirty texting too, though that happens sometimes. I was kind of in a funk Sunday, and she kept doing little things to cheer me up. Toward the end of the night she slid a note in under a bottle of plasma that said “I wish I could make you happy”. My head was swimming for the rest of my shift. It seems like she must mean that as more than a friend, but I could be wrong. Regardless, I’m only going to fall for her more and more being around her at work everyday, so I need to let her know how I feel. Either she’ll be interested and we can have a go at something, regardless of the great amount of collateral damage it would cause, or she won’t be interested enough to change things, and I’ll just have to deal with it. Unrequited like slowly turning into love is painful, and I would use it as further motivation to push myself. I’m not sure if she wants to date or just wants to have sex. She has alluded many times to being unhappy in her marriage but has never directly said it. It seems stable, but passionless. She has unlikely ambitions just like me, but I don’t see her pursuing them without the right person to support her.

I suppose this is the best example of what I’ve been talking about lately. It would be selfish to want someone to leave their marriage and by consequence their work(since I’m her supervisor) to be with me, it would fuck stuff up and she is already married. She’d have to quit work and her marriage, though she could move in with Ella and I and just get a part-time job so she could focus on school and not be so stressed. That is exactly what I want, though. Will I get it? The odds are very against it. I would have never tried it in the past due to all those factors, even with the obvious attraction and happiness we have around each other. I know what the world is like now, how people are. You have to take what you want, even if it’s from someone else. If you are able to, then they weren’t capable enough to hold onto it anyway and someone else would have taken it if not you. That was me before, too weak to hold onto the people or things I cared about. If you care enough, you can always repent later. In time, my transgressions will be forgiven or forgotten. I’ve missed too many opportunities because of fear of consequence or messing up someone else’s life. I do honestly believe I can make her far happier than she is now. I’m going to try to take what I want, and we’ll see what happens. It’s probably going to end terribly for me. I may lose a friend and make things awkward. Someone’s happiness must be sacrificed in the process. If it ends up being mine, I accept it.