Where No One Knows in 2015

What a bust. I made 15 bucks in 3 hours. Thursday night is supposed to be decent too. Ugh. I only had 3 rides, and I took a wrong turn on the second one, which made the trip twice as long. I felt really embarrassed. I set it for the ride being over as soon as I screwed up, so it didn’t charge the guy more than it should have, but still. He was understanding, though clearly kind of annoyed, I don’t blame him.

It’s inevitable. There are going to be nights like this. I could certainly use the money to pay off things, but it’s not just about that. I just want to succeed at something, to really do well at something that is based on how much effort you put into it. I do my best at work, but everything happens at a fixed rate there in terms of what I am able to do and how much I get paid. I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore. I don’t know what I really expect to find roaming the empty, raining streets of Portland every night. Friendship? Romance? Answers? There’s no likelihood of any of it. I almost headed back out toward East Portland as I was getting home because it was showing increased activity there. I wanted to salvage this weak night, but I do feel lightheaded and pretty tired, and I have work in 8 hours. I can’t deny that I’m pushing myself further than I should, that I’m being somewhat self-destructive. If I can’t survive this, how could I survive making it to where I want to? How will I endure being brutalized several times a week in wrestling training? How will I deal with juggling work, Lyft, school and wrestling?

I just want to be strong. I’m tired of being so weak. I couldn’t protect what was important to me before. I feel like I can’t now. Every opportunity seems to elude me. The surest things nevertheless slip between my fingers. I don’t mean physical strength necessarily, though I do want that as well. The strength to endure, to overcome, to succeed. The ability to play the game and win, even if I don’t like it.

No word from Gracie. I hate it when I’m right. It’s just like with Maggie. Before that, I lost Mayumi. Before that, so many chances have come and gone. People tell me that I’m just weeding the bad ones out, that I’ll find the right person. They tell me to just keep trying, trying to assure me that this is the way. I don’t think it is. I have years of failures to back me up. With the two one night stands recently, I was too forthcoming afterward. I showed interest too soon, I see it now. I fucking hate that this isn’t what works, but it isn’t. The next time I connect with someone, I can’t be so genuine and warm afterward. They will abandon me if I do. That’s just how it is. Sure, not everyone is like that, but enough are. I could go the rest of my life trying things as I do now, believing the things people say, and I would spend the rest of it largely alone.

I look at the people who have wronged me and cannot help but feel envy. Mayumi is doing well, and is well-liked by almost everyone, even those who know what she did to me. Chris is still tolerated and is succeeding in life with almost no consequences for the things he has done to myself, Ella, and the other people he’s screwed over in his life. Lloydd does seem to have turned a new leaf somewhat, but nevertheless all the people who condemned what he did to me back in the day have long ago forgiven him. These people are still considered good people by most, and perhaps they are. They haven’t been good to me, at least not in the end, but they still live on just fine. I suffered their betrayals and lived, offering no reprisal. It comes to mind that I could do the same to others and live on, that they would suffer but live on just the same. I have done bad things to people in the past, but I have gotten a lot worse than I have given. Does any of it matter? The people I’ve wronged I either tried to make amends with or have disappeared from my life, via my choice or theirs.

Another person cancelled on me after I had been waiting a bit for them to finish up at the bar they were at. I was understandable and didn’t charge them. I shouldn’t charge them, and didn’t, just like the one who cancelled the first night I was driving. I could have been greedy and charged them, and it wouldn’t have mattered. They would live on with their lives. No one would know or judge me. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands of those moments in my life where I chose what I believed was right, often at my own personal expense. It was never about reputation, just following my moral compass. There’s no reward beyond your own self-satisfaction. What would life have been like if I had acted differently? Would anything be different? Would I be further in life? They are all innocuous on their own, a patchwork of moments that even combined may not mean anything at all. Tiny dots on an endless timeline. In my desperate frustration, I find myself wondering if I should begin doing things differently to advance my selfish desires.

You should be a good person just because you can, because it’s the right thing to do. That should be enough, right? To treat others as you would be treated, to believe that karma will reward those who are kind and punish those who aren’t. I used to have faith that it would all work out. I just don’t have that anymore. I don’t get the satisfaction I used to from being helpful, forgiving, understanding, considerate. I soon after consider my effort, my expenses, the things I could have done instead. It’s not good. All of those moments and chances to do the right thing where no one will know. They’re all jars of money upon unattended counters. You’re trusted to pay for what you take in fairness without stealing. You could steal, if you want to. Some do. Would it make any difference?

I’d like to think I’m a good person. It has limits. There’s a not so good person dwelling inside me. If I start following those instincts, it seems likely things will change, possibly for the better for me, even if it is at the expense of others. I’m simply more motivated by feelings of bitterness than I am by those of positivity at this point. I still haven’t given in, but it seems to draw closer. I just need to succeed. I need things to be different. I was basically in the same position ten years ago. I have more money now, but significantly more expenses. I’ve loved and been loved, disappointed and been disappointed, but am still ultimately alone with no sign of that changing. I have a heart full of memories, but those memories fade day by day. I’ve made friends, but they come and go all the time and I feel powerless to affect it, unable to stay connected or keep them in my field of gravity. I’m not happy, not engaging my creative side and fulfilling my passions. The thought of living this same existence in ten more years fills me with dread and disgust. I can’t let that happen. I may turn into someone who will alienate those around him. Maybe there won’t be anyone left to lecture me, but there are no guarantees that there will be anyone who is left to console me if I stay this course. The only tangible guarantees are the things I accomplish, on my own. The only way I seem to be able to accomplish them is to tap into all the feelings I’ve gained, even if I never wanted them in the first place. So at some point soon, I have to try that. I can’t go another ten years like this, my ego can’t even handle another year of being in this exact position.