My Ramona in 2015

I actually did end up going on that date with Gracie Monday. Perhaps saying actually is unnecessary, I’m just so used to people flaking out on me or ghosting. We met up at Beulahland, a bar in downtown Portland that I picked because it had good reviews online. We chatted for a while and ate some pretty decent bar food. I only had one drink, she had more. We laughed a lot. We went back to her place to drink more, stopping to get beer on the way. We cuddled and watched some Netflix stuff for a couple hours. Her brother watched some of it with us, he seems cool enough. We ended up retreating to her room, and you can guess the rest. I had to get up at 5 for work, so that kind of sucked. Cuddling and sleeping next to someone are pretty much my favorite things in the world, and Gracie is very cuddly, despite not initially seeming like someone who would be that warm I guess. Still, sleeping in a new place next to a new person always makes it tough for me to actually fall asleep, the couple hours I managed throughout the night admittedly did make the rest of the day rough.

So, yeah, it was great. She’s pretty cool. Thin, long cotton candy-esque hair, a few piercings and one giant tattoo on her side. She is a self-described c-word, not because she is, but just because she likes being one she says. Hah. She seems to drink daily, and smokes. Probably not the type of person to be in a relationship with, but attractive and cool. Probably the most attractive person I’ve been with.

That should be it, right? Positivity and an ego boost. I always wonder when the bottom will fall out. When will this person ghost me? Maybe she won’t. I don’t have a good feeling though, we had talked about texting and she said when she doesn’t want to talk to someone she keeps responding with “lol” or that and another word or to. She started responding like that to me yesterday…We’ll see. It would be cool to have a badass alternative chick around, but I didn’t think it would even progress that far. Maybe she is the Ramona Flowers to my Scott Pilgrim, who knows.

I kind of feel like I already found my Ramona though. The problem is that she’s married and works with me. I know she is interested, particularly when she has been drinking…There was a work Christmas party on Sunday, I grabbed said co-worker Courtney, my roommate and my boss and her boyfriend and drove us to the bar it was at, Coyote’s. Super good food, dunno about the drinks since I was the DD. Pretty funny White Elephant gift shenanigans. Afterward Ella, Courtney and I went back to the apartment and hung out for a couple hours until I took Courtney home. Courtney got the most drunk at the party, there is always that one person that gets too drunk. There was a hangout at a bar for karaoke a couple months ago that was similar. She gets touchy and stares at me a lot, compliments random things like how white my teeth are, sneakily tries to hold my hand. A mummy buried in a tomb in a coffin could see how interested she is. And that’s all great, or it would be normally, but it’s like, shit, there are co-workers around, knock that off! And also you’re married. It doesn’t seem like there is a lot of passion in it, or that she is truly happy. Well, I know she isn’t. She alludes to it but won’t definitively say it. She is unfulfilled, but there’s no telling someone that, not without seeming like or being an asshole. If she were single, I would be with her in a heartbeat, she’s definitely 10/10. Super cute, kind, reliable, punny, creative, outgoing just awesome. It’s not meant to be, at least not right now. Even if she would come out and admit she has a thing for me, I won’t go through another secret relationship. Admittedly, Mayumi was married when I started seeing her, but she had been essentially separated from her husband for months and they would go days or weeks without speaking. Not right, but not as bad. So yeah, my dream girl kind of exists, but not for me I guess. I’ll keep looking, even if I am unable to trust any opportunity that comes along.

I saw Atreyu and some other bands last night at the Roseland. It’s a crappy divey venue but has a certain charm. I hadn’t heard of the openers, Assuming We Survive or From Ashes to New. I liked the first band a lot, bought a couple of their EPs. The singer was near the merch booth and thanked me for supporting them, even gave me a hug. Super nice guy, we chatted for a few seconds. I ended up dipping out part of the way through the final act, Falling in Reverse. I came for Atreyu, who were awesome of course, but I was super tired. The show started about 645 and I left at 11. At least 45 minutes must have went by between Atreyu ending and Falling in Reverse starting. I left and got some Lyft rides in, the second carload was a couple who were at the same show and had stayed until the end.

It was great to go to a live show after so long, and it got me thinking, why the hell am I not doing this? Why am I not up there? After all this time, why have I not done anything? Thinking back, the times when I was most inspired to practice and write lyrics were when something really hurt me or pissed me off. When Matt backed out of moving to Portland at the last minute three and a half years ago, I was angry. We’d had this dream of starting a band together since high school, and we had the chance to go to a big city and pursue it, and he gave up. I played a lot of bass for a couple weeks until I calmed down. When everything happened with Mayumi back then, I was overcome with pain, and I played a lot. Once I calmed down, I didn’t seem to find the time to play. It’s hard now, I haven’t even been working out. My sleep schedule is messed up and I feel exhausted between work and Lyft. I might as well be out making money though, I’ve again lost the ability to sleep peacefully. Lying next to Gracie was peaceful, but any other night I am alone and unable to stop thinking until I’m so tired I can’t do anything but sleep.

It just seems more and more clear that I just need to tap into all the negative feelings lurking below. Even when something goes well, like the date, soon after I’m wondering when things will end instead of being happy that it happened. The part of me that is insecure and paranoid from being let down so many times before tries to cloud everything. I don’t let it take over, but the struggle still distracts me. It’s the same with everything else. The singers for the various bands seemed so happy and joked around a lot, especially the Atreyu singer. The same people wrote these fast, heavy, emotionally-charged metal songs. I wonder if I could come out on the other side of tapping into feelings and creating something like that so easily.

I am pretty exhausted. I was to open at 7 tomorrow, but instead I’m coming in at noon. I think I’ll take a nap and then do some driving for several hours.