Random Selection in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Sleep was difficult last night/this morning. Partly because Wife was hogging the bed a little… partly because I really need to make time to exercise. There is a bullshit balance to my whole pain thing where, I’m in constant pain- yes. If I workout, I’m going to be drained, exhausted and in pain. If I don’t workout… after enough time… eventually, my body pain grows to become more overwhelming. SO… workout and feel one kind of pain; don’t workout and feel the other kind of pain. Lately, I’ve been feeling the other kind of pain and that variety makes sleep difficult.

Court this morning was pretty basic. There was a news crew in front of the jail so I was a bit curious but… it was just another murder. And that is how bad murder has gotten this month. That it is “just another murder.” Facts of the case involve witnesses claiming an argument occurred between the defendant and victim, followed by a loud bang or slap (of something heavy falling) and then silence. The defendant was found at the scene; the victim had been repeatedly stabbed until dead. At his arraignment this morning, the defendant was agitated and disruptive. When asked by the judge if he wanted a lawyer, as is standard practice, the defendant stated: “Naw, I been telling e’erybody to say I did it, so I just want to plead guilty.” The public defender was quick to discourage him from that course of action; after all, the county judge is unable to take a guilty plea on a felony. The attorney was appointed and things went more smoothly from that point. But as he was being escorted out, I could hear one of the COs ask why he “acted up” earlier. His response was, “There are people on the outside that don’t want me outside; so I figure I should just stay in.” Omaha World Herald Story on Slaying/Victim.

As I reached the law library this afternoon, first thing I did (as I always do) was grab the paperwork that accumulated over the night. Not surprisingly, it is usually a lot. The good thing is that most of the paperwork isn’t “direct response” but simply requests to be put on the list for when Law Library calls their Mod down. I was a little surprised to see Mr. Loyd has already requested to be brought down. I’m not surprised he wants to be down here, I’m surprised that he sent his request so early. His victims were buried yesterday; he has many months before he has to worry about going to trial. Omaha World Most recent World Herald Story on the case (about burial service).

Most of the rest of Law Library went by fairly boring, really. With one possible exception. The trainee is pissing me off. He is knowledgeable enough now where he should be able to confidently work by himself. He doesn’t need me to be around. But he is so averse to the idea of boredom that he wants to work at the same time as I do. Which is NOT how this department runs. So all day he asks “When are you coming in tomorrow?” “When are you coming in next week?” trying to track my possible work schedule. Dude… this is literally the kind of job where you show up when you want to, leave when you want to… just get the work done. You aren’t to be “entertained”; stop trying to make sure “we work together.” Show up… if I’m not here, do your job. If I am here, stay. If I leave early, you don’t have to leave early as well… you can stay as long as you want. It is… a bit frustrating.

As I sat in the Law Library largely spacing out… it occurred to me what I would love to do… like… if I could craft a job just for me; what I would love to do. Pop Culture Panelist. I would love to read comic books, watch movies, play video games… all with a critical and thoughtful eye… and then discuss and debate it. I shared that on Facebook and there was a lot of support (apparently, many people are under the impression that I either have significant opinions on pop culture or are simply curious to hear my thoughts)… and the suggestions for where to start were (1) podcast or (2) Cracked Writer. I don’t think I have the talent for Cracked Writer. Most of my writing isn’t humorous and doesn’t grab the laugh. And podcast? Wouldn’t know the first thing how to start. But… it is a thought… doing what I would love to do and then seeing if it takes off.... kind of what my brother has done with his love and talent in art.

My wife dyed her hair last night to cut back on her ever increasing grey hair. Luckily, at least what she says, she doesn’t hate the grey and is okay with it… it just makes her feel like her hair is more blah… dull, neutral, not as fun. Darkening it back up is a kick of color, a kick of life, that she appreciates. Her actions last night (and near excessive drinking) suggest that she may be in the mood, or may have been trying to get herself in the mood for some genuine physical affection. She has asked that I purchase more alcohol tonight on my way home from work. I am left with the sinking feeling that she wants more alcohol because she wants to make sure she drinks herself into being open to sex tonight. And I hate that. It is a complicated position. Because (a) sure, I’d love to have a drink tonight. 13 hour work day (because of court), my job prospects continuing to dwindle, and everything else… love to have a drink. (b) I would also LOVE to have sex. It has been a bit (not nearly as long as I’m accustomed but) I would love to feel attractive or wanted by my wife. (c) but that is where the double cross of it all shows up. If she needs to drink herself incoherent in order to have sex with me… that certainly doesn’t make me feel attractive or wanted. No matter how much she says it is “her issue”… c’mon… human emotion and basic logic would dictate that my feelings about it aren’t exactly a surprise or unwarranted. If a wife needs a BAC over .3 to have sex with her husband.... that is going to make the husband feel pretty shitty.

It’s just… I feel a little like Lois Griffin in the early Family Guy Episode “Wasted Talent.” She desperately wants one of her students to win the piano competition but they all suck. Peter walks in, absolutely wasted, and plays the piano beautifully. Lois realizes the alcohol is hurting her husband’s body and mind; but she continues to fuel him with alcohol in order to win the competition. TL;DR (reason why I feel like this).... Lois is gaining something she considers valuable at the cost of her husband’s health. Even though her husband is enjoying drinking and is a willing volunteer to the whole ordeal.

Buuuut there I go doing what I always do… thinking. Thinking too much. There are plenty of men in the world who, wife or not, would feel no ill will about supplying a willing woman with alcohol in order to get laid. I do sometimes wish I “wasn’t like this” and it is a lot more complicated than simply “Don’t be like that.” I think things through, I think around things… I like understanding, knowing, comprehending. Add that to the morals built into me by my family… and yeah, I’m probably going to think everything to death until I can’t enjoy most things.

Tomorrow: Law Library from 10:00-5:00. After work: working out, apply to more jobs.
Friday: Sleep in; clothes to dry cleaners; finish any/all package wrapping and shipping. Trial Run “CLE Reports” for Iowa Bar Association, work out.
Saturday: Read Prosebox writers, hopefully finish my “erotic” story that I’ve been working on, work out, video games, update my Pathfinder Character sheet, enjoy my new dice (squee!) And that should take care of every thing on my week’s to-do list!