OSCE today okay (incoherent rambling) in Procrastination Journal

first of all how dare you

Family medicine and Pediatrics ring: two hospital/ER cases. Like, why are these people in the hospital? If I’m family medicine, this isn’t Riverside, let me just do outpatient shit. What even is the surgery osce case going to be like?? Why do family medicines have to rotate in the hospital if it’s mostly outpatient, especially if you’re not at an academic hospital? Fuck, why am I even here? fuck.

Also fucking case #3 that I shouldn’t talk about is that a family medicine thing? cause that feels like a “you’re going to be admitted to the hospital and have intravenous antibiotics and sorry about your heart but you shouldn’t have been doing heroin and lying about it to me” kind of thing, not a “are you checking your blood sugar?” or “for the love of God please take a flu shot” kind of thing.

Like, why wasn’t there a baby or a doll we could do newborn exam on or something. Not that I remember all of the steps but I’d have gotten most of it from muscle memory? maybe? but we were already assessed on that and I got an easy doctor who just let me present it, and didn’t breathe down my neck while I tried to get a moro reflex (it’s just mean!)

I didn’t talk to people as much, like last time, because I didn’t want to freak myself out when I realize I didn’t do everything that everyone else did. ANd it’s ALWAYS like that, I feel like I’m reading the wrong book, taking the wrong classes, everyone is on track but me.
So I’m not sure what i fucked up on or if i fucked up on anything. The last time I totally missed that one of the patients depression, (and the grader even acknowledged that the actor wasn’t doing a good flat affect or anything) what does depression have to do with your sepsis anyway, and missed a few points in that note so I didn’t pass that osce. I had to do an assignment about “what does this present with?” blah blah blah for missing just a few points, and remediated it.

The last one was completely super difficult (another girl said so right after she came out of the room) and had only one “physical finding” and it was was drawn on, and they told you about more “findings” that you would have supposedly heard in a real patient when you went to the computer to write your note. Ooooh okay. Because that case was vague as fuck. But apparently there were more findings that I didn’t see (but from what I heard, others didn’t check his feet as well). He said his feet were fine and didn’t have any skin changes so I believed him… at least i asked.

well, we can’t all fail, right? And I think I did a good job on the other cases?? as far as differential diagnoses and getting down what I would do next. It seems like as long as you’re not an asshole in the patient interview and you get what they wanted you to write on the note, you will pass. It seems that note>interview? Idk.

The peds shelf was pretty much what I expected. I think I passed but I am still freaking out because I want to get a good score on it, not just pass.

This ring was horrible studying-wise. Just like last time. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I worry about studying all the time but I don’t do anything. It’s like I’m paralyzed with laziness, procrastination, etc. Like I’d rather flip through this stupid iPad than actually feel accomplished with studying something. Why the fuck can’t I get my shit together?

It doesn’t matter, study or not, finished with test or not, pass or not, I’m still going to be full of anxiety, and stomach cramps, and can’t calm down, can only rant like this, like a maniac with a tenuous-at-best grasp on English grammar, and not get any real work done.