there's no one to blame in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

there’s no one to blame and i wish there was. i mean if i were a particularly religious person which i’m not. then i’d blame ‘god’ or whomever. well and even though i’m not............i’m more spiritual and believe in the universe. i don’t blame. the universe. [oh i also believe in music]. idinno blaming the universe doesn’t seem right somehow. apparently he went from heart problems. well he had gout and the meds for that inerfere w/ heart meds, so.......yeah. it would be so much easier if there was someone to blame. the dr.s.............but i mean. drs. are the ones who know about the meds interference. not his dr/s. specifically dr.s in general. they onl did the right thing.
i want it to be.tangible somehow ya know? i want some sort of physicality. that’s another reason i want to see evan right now. cause of how physical he is. i want to physicalise this and i already have just not.in the good way. but even that doesn’t match.............if i took a heart and smashed it then that would do it. turns out i like hearts. i’ve known 2 other people in my life who do both ladies. i don’t know.......how much sense it makes to smash something you like. but maybe. it doesn’t have to. maybe it’s not about making sense maybe it’s about like i said.tangibility and physicality. i remember back when my maternal grandmother passed i was angry w/ the flowers. and flowers are like my children the way i hold them. and i talk to them oh and trees too. yeah i’m that person. no the earth talks to us and not everyone listens. i haven’t for a long time. but maybe that’s cause it hasn’t talked to me in a long time.or something.