Tiny Dots on an Endless Timeline in 2015

I haven’t been angry the last couple days, rather depressed. I feel like I’m regressing. Regressing to the stages of bargaining and grief, though anger had seemed like the last and final stage. Still desiring that which was lost, imagining pathetically scenarios in which it could happen, where I could see her again. I have to remind myself that this is reality. I’m never going to see her again, and if I do, I’m not going to see the person I loved, she will be replaced by that cold person who looks so similar.

It’s also easy to feel I’ve regressed at my place in life. Compared to a year ago, I had Mayumi, although she was just a friend with benefits at the time, and now I can’t find anyone. Between the co-workers that silently turned on me and the friends I knew before going to Portland that hadn’t moved yet, I had far more friends here. I had more money because Chris was still living with us and the rent was cheaper anyway. I had hope and naivety.

I have gained things since then, and it’s easy to forget. The perspective, the clarity and peace of mind that I gained after that night seems to have left me. I feel lost without it, as I did without her. The bond with my roommate, that certainly didn’t exist a year ago. I’m a supervisor at work, even if the place a year ago was much, much happier and far less stressful. I’m in a little better shape. Aside from that, and the memories of all that has occurred, the memories of her, there’s not much that was gained.

I just want this to be over. Whether I give in to the negative feelings or find a way to overcome them. I want peace of mind. I want my confidence back. I want to finally be able to sleep at night again.

I’ve been listening to Rooms of the House by La Dispute frequently lately. It may be bumming me out more than I would be otherwise, but I feel like I’ll be inspired to write from it. There’s some sort of concept of living in a small town, but beyond that I’ve enjoyed it a lot more after looking up the lyrics. They seem so basic, conversational, yet very vivid in the description of imagery and mood. Descriptions of life that are so simple and yet jarring to me. I feel empty by comparison. I want to write something in that style, it’d be different from the lyrics I’ve created thus far.

Work was very long and stressful. We keep being pushed more and more, having less resources and more donors every day. More people calling out or leaving or getting time off for personal issues. Even I am starting to feel it, though the memories of what I once had at that place needle me more than any line of irate donors could. I got home an hour ago and I’m going back in 8 hours. I offered to do a split shift to make things easier. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, because I won’t be able to once next month hits. I want to give what I can before I have lots of scheduling restrictions. I haven’t been hungry, but I’ve been making myself eat, I know that I need to. I threw up again, it seems to have been vitamins, even though I threw out the multivitamins that made me vomit before. I guess I’ll just not take them for a while. I feel like I’m becoming weaker and weaker. I just want to be strong. Strong enough to protect what’s important, strong enough to take what I need, or even just what I want, to get to where I want to go.