Sell Me Down the River in 2015

Saturday went well enough. Some people flaked to being sick or tired from a long day at work. I understand, but it still grates at my soul a little. It just seems like keeping your word that you will do something carries little to no weight anymore. I honestly was starting to feel bitter at first, it looked like everyone was going to no-show, but then we had a decent turnout. We watched Scott Pilgrim and it was good, because of course it was. I made some garlic bread that turned out okay enough, despite not having one of those garlic crushy things or a brush to spread the stuff on the bread. We ordered Domino’s and it took like an hour and a half to arrive. Apparently they were having a completely crazy night and people were ordering like five pizzas every order. We only had three. And a pasta bread bowl, I had to try one after hearing the Jim Gaffigan skit about it for so long. Pretty good actually. I could have been mad for having to wait, but then I’d be no different than the donors that get pissy when they come in last minute and have to wait a while at my work. We then played Cards Against Humanity, also a great time.

The bitterness is becoming more prevalent. I don’t think I’ll be able to suppress it for much longer. The guy that my ex is or at least was with was there to donate on Friday. I didn’t have to deal with him, but merely the sight of him incenses me. I just can’t stand him, even aside from what happened. Mostly because of what happened admittedly. That part isn’t his fault per say, but ever since he said something about talking about it while at work, I feel anxious and frustrated when I see him. It doesn’t seem like he’s going to try to make an issue of it at work at least. Still, some of my co-workers are way more friendly with him than they are with me. Is it not obvious what a fake, sloppy enabler he is? Yeah, I’m bitter. I keep becoming more bitter. I’m not even able to hide it completely anymore. A couple of my managers picked up on something bothering me that night. I didn’t tell them, of course, I just said that something had been bugging me. It’s just something I need to deal with, the penance for being so secretive when I dated Mayumi.

Even seeing anything from her on Facebook makes me bitter now. The hurt is there, but it has been transformed. I guess I couldn’t keep my word to be forgiving and positive. Not with her. Not after she said she would be my friend and then didn’t keep her word. There are reminders of her, of the whole thing every day at work. The people who snubbed me and quietly distanced themselves without saying a word are still there. The ones who would rather invite a creepy donor she hooked up with to their house instead of me. Sure, it’s not normal to have constant reminders at your workplace of a terribly fallen relationship where you’re the only victim. With everything that’s been going on at all, the high turnover and the low resources, that is what is stressing me, not the stuff that is stressing everyone else. It’s no sanctuary anymore for me. There’s no real getting away from it, and I don’t want to. I lost almost everything else that I had gained since moving here, except for the job and becoming supervisor.

I’ll welcome it when it takes me over. I need a change, I need strength, no matter the source. Enough with being a good person and being tossed aside like garbage when I’ve passed my point of being convenient. It’s the past year, but also all the stuff before that. I never really lashed out. I never was passive aggressive, I never went especially out of my way to badmouth those that were cruel to me. I should have done something, probably. I don’t know. I don’t know what a normal person does to really vent, to really let go of that stuff. I write in this, and I write songs. That’s all I’ve got. Where else can you put the negative feelings in your day to day life? There’s no place for it at work, and you don’t want to inflict it upon the people you care about, the people that don’t deserve it.

I’m not a normal person anyways. Doing things normally hasn’t worked. I really didn’t make it that long focusing on being forgiving and optimistic. The bitterness, the frustration, it’s just too much of a part of me to keep on ignoring when I’ve failed so much for so long. If it can bring me success, maybe it is time to give it a try. I feel like I’ve been too distracted trying to cultivate what little social life I have up here. It may not be a bad idea to reel back a bit and refocus, just work on working out and becoming better with music. And Lyft driving whenever I get that going. I don’t doubt that I will succeed with my aspirations. I’m just not sure who will still want to be around when I get there. Then again, there’s no guarantee of who will stick around even with me trying to be entirely pleasant.

My roommate is getting frustrated and hurt again at being snubbed by her co-workers. It just seems like every time things start turning around for either of us this year, they worsen again. I wish I had some advice or some way to help her. I don’t want her to become bitter like I am. She’s too good for that. I don’t know what the hell is the deal with people up here. It’s not everyone, but most of the people either of us have met seem to be dishonest with their intentions. Even the co-worker that is basically her best friend up here couldn’t be bothered to stop by for our party last night. The co-worker that literally lives across the parking lot from us wouldn’t stop by either, but there was a facebook post about them and another person who never hangs out with her anymore going to the mall or something and she was not thrilled. I don’t blame her. A passive aggressive facebook post about being done with people without naming names won’t really help. I don’t know what will. People just don’t seem accountable anymore. I’ve certainly been guilty myself. We have more ways than ever to connect with people, and put in far less effort to do so. We can’t be arsed to send a simple text saying why we don’t want to do something anymore, or that we don’t really want to do it in the first place. Often we can’t be bothered to send anything at all. There’s generally no consequence. A reasonable person lets it slide and understands. The same happens time and time again. Which small incident of abandonment is the one worth being frustrated about? When we do harbor that, how often do we tell the person? It’s so much easier to be silent ourselves, bottling it up. Those I harbor active resentment toward won’t give me the time of day or are people I really just don’t want to talk to any more than I have to. What would it be like directly venting frustration to the relevant friend? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s worthwhile. Maybe it would ruin things. Such a tenuous bond may not be long for this world regardless.

I was really bummed to hear about Scott Weiland passing several days ago, albeit not surprised. He had a long history of drug use. I’m not sure if he was clean or not when he passed. Even if he was, the damage was surely already done. Several favorite pro wrestlers of mine have died from heart failure despite being clean at the time. You suffer for the mistakes of the past, as does your body. Stone Temple Pilots were my favorite band for a while, and some of their songs are on my list of all-time favorites. It’s so easy to take things for granted, whether it’s someone you actually know always being there or even a celebrity that you’ll never meet. Someone that talented still succumbed to his demons. I’m nowhere near as established, and fight with mine every day. I wonder what chance I have of living to an old age? I’ll never have to worry about dying from drugs, maybe just shutting down from too much stress. This song was always my favorite of theirs.