5:50 PM
So..... My step father - whom I never liked, or even really had a relationship with, went to the cancer doctor again today and we have learned he has Cancer again in his Liver. He had it before, I don’t know how long or even what Stage he is currently in but all I know is it’s back. I really didn’t know what to feel, my medicine/therapy has changed the way I think a little and I had to take time to think about how to respond. Obviously I told him I was sorry to hear the news, but in Private I don’t know what to think. I know with what I am about to say that anyone reading this will think I am a horrible person but early this year when they married and he had his first bout of liver cancer, I wanted him to die and even said so in my diaries. Now that I am trying to be a better person and also trying to look better in God’s eyes I don’t know what to think/feel, I was a little sad but mostly just an empty feeling. I do not like the man at all but he is a human being. I decided that I would offer up a prayer, I looked online and it said that people with liver cancer usually don’t make it pass the 5 year point so I decided that the least I could do was to pray that his passing would be peaceful and painless and left it at that.
I am in the middle of the 3rd season of Breaking Bad (I have watched it all once before) and I am really enjoying it. Today I went to the bar with my mom and had trouble, My social Anxiety was acting up and I refused to sit at the bar for 2 reasons, one. a guy was sitting in my spot, and 2 there were people scattered at the bar and I don’t like to sit next to strangers, so I sat at a table and waited for several people to leave and I sat at the far end of the bar by myself, and soon my mom came over. I had nachos which were surprisingly good. We went to Mernard’s and Walmart after that and then came home. I guess I am writing tonight to share the news, to be honest I have thought a lot about cancer lately, and I decided that if I ever have it I will just let myself die.
He comes for us all in the end anyway.
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