Burn My Dread in 2015

I failed the Lyft inspection. One of my brake lights was out(it was loose, easy fix), supposedly a tail light is out, and the two rear tires are almost bald. That one is more problematic. I’m going to see if I can get away with getting a couple used ones after work tomorrow without getting moneymurdered.

The Lyft office was definitely amateur hour. I had an appointment at 8, but the place didn’t open until 8:05, at which point I signed in as if I was a walk-in. I was almost turned away due to having an out-of-state license by one of the guys, before the other informed him it had just been approved in some newsletter the night before. Amateur, but I understand. My work does stuff like that sometimes, sending us emails late for each month’s weekly bonuses for donating or not sending emails at all as far as random stuff that gets sent to us.

I donated after work to get some money for the tires. I’m a hypocrite, considering how I’ve been feeling. Particularly the night before, having to cut my workout short to avoid throwing up. Tuesday I was nagging a co-worker for donating when she was recovering from being sick and wasn’t quite 100%. I get it, she needed rent money, but it’s not a good habit. Here I am doing the same. “Desperation is a stinky cologne”. I actually felt fine most of the day and after donating. I did eat a lot of food today, perhaps that is what helped. I wonder if losing 10-ish percent of my body mass in two months has kind of fucked me up for a bit. I’ve had weight fluctuations before, though never so significant. My metabolism has also clearly skyrocketed, as even when I don’t eat much or eat junk, and when I don’t work out for a day or two, my weight is holding at 187.6. Maybe I will get to 180 by the end of the month after all, though it’s no longer a goal.

I am having people over Saturday for my Scott Pilgrim vs. The World party, so that will be fun. The turnout should be good. Money is pretty tight, so I won’t have much left after getting the tires and buying supplies for the party, but I definitely need this. I need to see the people that aren’t two-faced, the ones around here that I can trust and have fun with. It’ll make it easier to stop seeing all the negative stuff and focus on some positives.

No response from Maggie. I sent a final “hey there, hope you’re doing well and not dead” sort of text. No response in two days of 2015 texting is equivalent to giving up after a month of searching for a missing person. Fuck putting her picture on the milk cartons, this girl is clearly long gone. Yet another case where someone has abandoned me and I have no sense of closure, no clue how I went wrong. Although we only interacted with four days, and she wasn’t as great as my ex, it’s still a blow to my ego. It makes me want to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me, and how I was able to keep Mayumi as long as I did before she left my life. I won’t do that, but it’s hard not to. There’s just no place for self-pity any more. It’s better to just move on, but if I have to feel something, let it be frustration, at least I can use that when I’m working out.

I’m just so tired of this. I broke down a little bit earlier, which hasn’t happened lately. Pangs of sadness have hit me tonight, breaking up the frustration that keeps boiling up. I’m not a great person. I’ve been dishonest, self-centered, and cowardly. I wouldn’t dare deny it, or attempt to pin my failures on anyone else. I’ve basically been this person for years, despite various attempts to shut off my feelings. I’ve tried to do the right thing most of the time, to look out for other people. To be kind and considerate, although that hasn’t always happened. To give others the benefit of the doubt. With the exception of a couple people, I’ve turned the other cheek even when people have been disrespectful to me. It’s been the same for years. I feel alone, ostracized, emotionally derelict. Despite my efforts I feel no closer to finding love, happiness, or achieving my dreams. I am taking the actions and learning to live the lifestyles that will take me to my dreams. What of everything else? How long will I be alone? Will I be alone until I have a six-pack and am in athletic shape? Is my personality not enough? Will it take becoming a wrestler and musician to find like-minded people in Portland who are reliable and trustworthy that I can count on hanging out with more than once every month or two?

It feels like I’ve been waiting my whole life, and barely living in the meantime. Almost all of this is my own fault due to making excuses and not trying, not taking chances. I could have changed my life years ago, could have been wrestling and making music and traveling years ago if I just would have tried. Still, I’ve done a pretty solid job of being self-responsible. Emotionally I’ve done well, financially I’ve been completely on point. I get help from no one, haven’t for years except for a little bit when I lived with Scott and Tamarra. I don’t live beyond my means, even if I don’t have a real savings account of any sort. It feels like being responsible has gotten me next to nothing, just enough to keep on scraping by. More and more I wonder what it would be like if I gave in to that other person sealed away. Perhaps it would be an innocuous transformation and few things if anything would be altered. Maybe it would change everything. I have no idea. I just know this isn’t working. Despite my efforts, and making a big deal of it on facebook and reaching out to people and all this stuff, the positive, forgiving, responsible side of me still finds the same powerless feeling I’ve held since I was a teenager.

If I started doing things differently, maybe it would be worth it. Even if I scared off those few people who still tolerate me, it may be worth it. If I were able to stand up for myself better around people, more capable of pushing through fatigue and sickness and pushing myself to betterness, it might be worth doing. Everyone seems to leave once they find their way. Already my roommate seems to be doing better, she’s hanging out more with our non-work friends and is probably going to start dating their roommate. He’s a great guy, and I’m really happy for her. Once that happens, I’ll barely see her, even less than I do now. We’ve shared similar struggles this whole year, but she’s getting past that now, and is striving. She’s not going to be caught in this rut anymore. I will be left in the dust once again, on my own, just trying to do things the right way and be a good guy and struggle. If there’s going to be no one around me anyway in the end, why not do whatever it takes to not struggle?

A lot of this is conjecture. There are no answers for now. That night almost three months ago forever scarred me and changed my life, but decisive moments such as that have been few and far between for me. It seems unlikely there could be a moment in the future where I would decide and be able to switch over with ease to the other persona that contradicts what I embrace currently. It would be a slow burn, if I’m even capable of doing it. At the same time, it may be all that is left. The peace of mind, the mental and emotional breakthroughs that I gained after that night…there have been none in a while. Things seem to have reverted to as they were before. I feel gutted, the nights are sleepless and the sleep I do get is of poor quality, and I am blinded by the emptiness that has replaced the love and friendships that were lost this year. If it weren’t for my weight loss and the knowledge that I am slowly moving toward my goals, I would have no self-esteem right now. I know that things aren’t that bad, that they are much worse for other people, and that there are people I can turn to for emotional support. It’s hard to care. I just don’t want to be in this position anymore. I want movement, progress, success, at any cost. Give me hate over hurting, bitterness over pity. I desire the things that perpetually seem to elude me.