La Befana and Jean Nate' (VERY LONG SCATTERED ENTRY......) in Other shit.

I'm not going to talk about HIM here in this book. I needed to make a new book though and try to start talking about other things. I feel slightly consumed with my own grief. I STILL want things to be okay...I STILL feel like I'm drowning and he is letting me.

But let's not talk about that in this book.

Today I went and did my first Christmas shopping for Froggy. It was really stressful. Toys cost SO MUCH. And then I've got a friend who's suddenly decided we're going to ...oh shit. I forgot someone....dammit.

Friend's non adopted but want to be adopted baby. I forgot to get him something and I thought I was done with the kids. Shit.

Anyway a friend of mine who never exchanged gifts with me or Froggy ever. Has suddenly decided she wants to. And I just flat out told her I wasn't going to buy her anything and I would appreciate if she didn't buy ME anything either. It just starts to be TOO MUCH MONEY. We never have before and I don't want to start. I get her something for her birthday. And it's SMALL.

So she agreed we'd just do the kids. The problem is. I have ONE KID. And everyone else has MULTIPLE children. So I'm stuck buying all these damn gifts for everyone's 2 or 3 kids. And it's not that I don't WANT TO. I DO "WANT" to. I just can't AFFORD TO.

So anyway. Toys-R-Us was sucking big time today. Maybe I'm starting my shopping late? I don't know. But Froggy has 20 things on his list. And most of it was missing from the store. Not only that most of his list consists of shit that is REALLY SUPER expensive. And I was really shocked. I mean I don't know till I go look in the stores.

When I was growing up in Italy. It wasn't as much about the gifts there. It was about getting together. And being together and there was a gift or two. But in Europe it isn't as much of a material thing as it is here.

I remember going back to school (my American school on base) and all my friends have had their "American" Christmas. While I had more of an italian one. And I thought it was SO FUCKING GREAT till I got back to school.

And everyone was comparing notes. And I realized. Wait a damn minute. So and so got ALL THIS SHIT and all I got was a CD and some chocolate? WTF IS THAT ABOUT?

But it was what I was used to. Once I reached a certain age....I would say...10? The gifts dwindled down to nothing.

It wasn't really important to me. I really enjoyed my "italian" Christmases. We incorporated German and British traditions too. My mother's first Christmas was in Germany so she really adopted a lot of their flavors and traditions and that is what I grew up with.

So now with my son. I incorporate all the traditions I grew up with. Including always having "crackers" at Christmas dinner for everyone. They are....hmmm...here's a link.....http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_cracker[Christmas Crackers]

Aww man. I just saw that it's a tradition in South Africa too. Ugh...sigh..sob... Let's not go there....

It's hard to find "good" Christmas crackers now. They used to be all imported... there is a tissue paper hat (crown) to represent the wise men and then gifts. To represent the gifts. There's always a joke or riddle. And that is my favorite part. During Christmas dinner we go around the table and I make everyone read their joke or riddle. It's really my favorite part of the day. It's silly. But true.

I think of La Befana around this time of year. In Italy, the beginning of January (can't remember the day) the kids believe in La Befana (the witch) I am not EXACTLY sure about the story it's been a long time but the wise men were believed to have stayed with the witch on their way to see the baby Jesus. And they wanted her to come along.

But she didn't till later when she saw the light in the sky. She got lost. And so every year after Christmas she flies around and she gives children gifts in their shoes hoping she'll give a gift to the right child. Jesus. Lol......

Anyway. I remember putting my shoes out. And my mother would fill my shoes with chocolate or something small.

I didn't really BELIEVE in the witch. But I did LIKE getting little gifts in my shoes.

I should do that for Froggy this year.....he's getting too old for that shit now. I don't know why I never thought to do it before....

Maybe I'll just tell him the story. It's sometimes hard to tell him these stories. My memories of Italy are so vivid and so alive. And I miss Italy so much... I think I'll call there this weekend. It's been a few months I think since I heard from anyone....

Sigh...... So here we are. At the end of my very long entry.

And I'm thinking of Lion.

I just want to say....that I realize it seems to idiotic to a lot of you that I hang on. But letting go is doing the EXACT opposite of what I WANT to do. Whether you understand it or not. That is how I feel. It is NOT AT ALL WHAT I "WANT" to do. I do NOT "WANT" to let go.

I know I should. But it's not what I WANT. And so it makes it THAT MUCH harder. Sometimes I think some of you have forgotten how it feels....to want so much for the love to be enough. For the love to make it all work out.

You know in your mind what you SHOULD do. And what NEEDs to be done. But if it's not what you WANT to do. It's like walking into a fire when all your instincts tells you to stop and turn around for safety.

I don't know. Maybe I can't think right regarding him. I do so love him. Right or wrong. Good or bad. I love him.

Not that it matters anymore. He is for sure walking away.

So it doesn't really matter what I want or need.

Oh. The Jean Nate'. Shit. That's another long story. I'll try to make it short. I saw some gift boxes of Jean Nate'. And that always makes me smile. When I was in the 7th grade....I was in Florida. (We were there about a year or so maybe two) I have always really loved kids. And I would help the little kindergarteners sometimes. Off the bus or whatever. And one of the teachers saw me.

And I don't know how she did it. Because it's not something that was done. But she arranged it so that I could go to her class certain days and help her. I ADORED this lady. She was in her late 40's I think...then.

Anyway she used to rub Jean Nate' on her arms and neck. And I would tell her how much I loved the scent. It smelled clean to me. (not so crazy about it NOW lol.....) And I remember the bottle. Filled with that yellow liquid. And the letters were black and the top was a round black ball.

And one day she just gave me her entire bottle. I CHERISHED that bottle of Jean Nate'.

Anyway....I thought of that today when I saw it at Kmart. (ugh yes I had to go to Kmart....) And I can't believe they STILL make that!

There are lots of things like that around Christmas that makes me think of people from when I was younger. Love's Baby Soft....after I got too old to send Etch a Sketches too my uncle would send me a bottle of Love's Baby Soft. I am sure it was his wife who chose that...my aunt Donna. She used to have hair so long she could probably walk on it. It was WAAAAY LONG. But the last picture I saw of her years ago. She had cut it very short....I wonder if she misses it.....

I can't believe they still make Love's Baby soft either. What happened to OMG remember Debbie Gibson's perfume Electric Youth????? OMG.... I remember when they got that on base in Italy. Or maybe it was England. I would so wear that crap NOW!

Electric Youth and OMG don't get me started on perfume....

My favorite thing to wear was from the Body Shop in Cambridge. It was a perfume oil so it stayed on ALL DAY. And smelled like heaven. Fuzzy Peach. I wonder if they still make that...I do love fruity scents...

So my tastes have gotten a little more expensive but still a little on the fruity side....

I must remember to google The Body Shop and see what their perfume oils are like now......

I could write a whole entry on just perfume. Scents evoke memories like nothing else.....

And I could probably tell you what I was smelling like for every stage of my life.

Anyway. I suppose I should end this entry at some point.

I don't want to think about him. But it's inevitable especially this time of night. Even though he's sleeping....sob....I don't know how to get through this.

Boop.