A Single Moment of Sincerity in 2015

I have a massive headache and don’t feel too good. Nothing super unusual these days, I just want to know what’s causing it. I often feel slightly lightheaded, but push through it. I had to cut my workout short today because I felt like I was going to throw up. I tried to switch to just cardio and running two miles(trying to do that daily, training to do a 5K at some point next year), but again I felt like throwing up about a half mile in and had to stop.

I suppose it’s been this way since that night that I saw my ex and she was ice cold and distant to me. I had donated plasma that day, and had a couple beers at the bar, but despite that seeing her go back on her word of still being a friend upset me greatly. I went home and a couple hours later went to the gym, but had to cut short my workout because I didn’t feel good. Really, since then I haven’t been the same. That was probably 3 weeks ago. I thought it was just dehydration, and possibly not eating enough(my metabolism has skyrocketed the last couple months, and I haven’t been eating a whole lot lately). Perhaps it’s something more. I can’t afford to go to a doctor right now, but hopefully soon I can.

Speaking of money, my Lyft appointment is in the morning. My check engine light came on yesterday. I hope that doesn’t matter for the inspection, I passed emissions and all that stuff beforehand. The hose that caused the light the first time probably just needs more tape. If the freezing rain stops pouring outside I’ll work on it tonight, otherwise it’ll have to be in the morning.

I did meet up with Maggie yesterday. It went really well. We quickly got intimate while waiting for Injustice to install on my PS3, then played that for a while and cuddled and stuff. We got sushi and then she went home afterward. Easily a lock for a friend with benefits, but someone that I had so much fun being around that I could see at some point, maybe, just maybe wanting to date. We were texting regularly, and then she stopped replying. No reply from a good morning text today either. Perhaps she’s just busy, but even so, who doesn’t check their phone in 2015? Especially someone who was incredibly chatty via email, text and phone. It’s only been a day and some change, but I’ve experienced this too much, and I know how nearly every person of my generation operates. We are tethered to our phones. I feel like she’s ghosted me. If so, it’s pretty disappointing, but whatever. Although she’s nowhere as cute as my ex, and the sex wasn’t as good, she is super cool and seems motivated to better herself. If nothing else she’d make a rad friend. We’ll see what happens, if I send another text with no response, that’s the Rule of 3, and it’s time to move on.

Technically, I did just want to have something happen, since it had been two and a half months of being intimate in any way since the last time Mayumi came over. I got that. Perhaps she was my “lucky shooting star”, coming into my life only long enough to restore some of my confidence before disappearing. Still, it seems like such a waste if that’s the case.

The more I hear about the people that I have trusted and confided in at work, the more I question them, and everyone. People seem so hypocritical, so two-faced. I don’t have the right to say much, as I did hide a 10-month fling and relationship. I also don’t contradict what I pontificate, such as going on about work being a family environment before leaving early my last day and leaving everyone high and dry, in addition to being really unprofessional afterward. My mentor-ish friend and no former co-worker did that. I knew he was bitter, but geez, at least have some class on your way out. He complained about how my ex-roommate and co-worker Chris didn’t come back from lunch on his last day and screwed everyone over, but did the same thing his last day. Another co-worker that I’ve confided in is going through some rough times with her now-ex, and seems to need help, but then calls in after partying with another co-worker the night before. When we went hiking several weeks ago, she had expressed interest in getting away from the destructive alcoholism that the bad influence co-worker she was hanging out with partakes in frequently. I just don’t get it. Why are people so half-cool in Portland? It seems to be the same with my roommate’s co-workers, and some of our non-work friends.

I’m trying to stay positive, I really am. Life feels like it’s been one step forward, four steps back for a while now. If I can’t do the Lyft thing, that will kind of screw me. I already may never be able to donate again, or at least shouldn’t, between generally not feeling good and developing allergies to things and getting rashes on my arm. My body is failing me, the people I encounter are failing me. I’ve lost nearly all the friends I gained up here and some of the people I work with treat me decidedly less kindly than they once did, even though I’m their boss now and still treat them no differently. I’m back to being alone in what feels like perpetuity. I have retained the spark inside that has grown into a fire. I’m determined to reach my goals, and I’ll honestly do whatever it takes to get to them. Forgiveness, redemption, understanding, it all sounds so good, and yet I’m getting nowhere. I just don’t see it in all of these people I encounter. They’re dishonest, disrespectful, greedy, enabling. It’s easy to wonder what my life would be like if I let the negative side of me come out to play, although it would far eclipse them. There’s so much bitterness and frustration that I keep under wraps. So many years of being betrayed, abandoned and left out in the lurch. Would I be more successful if I finally embraced it and let that motivate me instead of trying to succeed by being a good person? I honestly don’t know. The goal is to bring that out only when the time comes in my wrestling career, keeping it under control in general and not allowing it to seep into work, but following the persona as much as makes sense in my own personal life. I’d rather ebb back and forth between being bad and good as that career dictates. Not a gimmick, something that is real and believable because it is in fact genuine. Who knows though, maybe when I finally let that side of me show, I’ll like it so much I won’t want to go back. I’m finding less and less reason not to give it a chance. I’m broke, lonely and almost friendless here. I seem to always scare people away somehow while showing them my most palatable qualities. The misfit that’s buried inside me is the person worth disliking and avoiding. I just don’t get it.