7:00 PM
So the past few days I have been mostly in depression. This time however it was more of that empty depression and sometimes soul crushing as well. I felt like I had nothing inside me, it was just a large, dark, empty room. Like if you go to one of those grand ball rooms that was very lively in the 1920’s or so or even if you partied there before and now its just empty, rusted, old, has cobwebs, the paint is chipping and fading. Memories is all you cling onto. Like you are watching in black and white, the good times when you were making the memories and the fun moments, friendships, hopes, and dreams and you realize that you have nothing. It’s all gone, memories. I live in the past, even more so when I am depressed.
Yesterday I took my car to the shop for it to be worked on, 200 bucks gone. My emergency fund is just shrinking and shrinking and I really can’t do anything about it. I got her (my car) back today, I went to the post office and the bar with mother and step dad, had a BLT sandwich, pretended I was happy. But I can’t pretend like I used to, I cannot lock up my emotions like I used to. We went and seen the last of the Hunger Games movie(s) in theater today and it was something fun, expensive of course but fun. Now that that is over I am just sitting here feeling empty and sad. For Supper I have my footlong subway sandwich. I guess that is all I have to say.
Sometimes, I suppose I am happy. Like when I am with my friends, throwing my head back and covering my mouth as I shake with laughter at a joke someone just made. But then day turns to night and my carefree grin turns into an unexplainable sadness, etched on my face like a tattoo, and I lay in bed, thinking about all the things I wish I could say– all the things I’m too afraid to admit, even with only pen and paper in mind. It’s nights like these when I realize: I am many things. I am happy and sad, outgoing and shy, rambunctious and quiet. But mostly I am just empty.
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