Misery Business in 2015

Ugh. I just got back from going out with the roommate. It started off pretty well, we went to a restaurant/hotel that a friend works at and ate and chilled until she got off of work. We caught up a bit, then went to meet up with some of her friends at another bar. I just wasn’t feeling it, at all.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep and knowing I have to be up in what’s now 4-ish hours. Maybe it’s social anxiety or something. I just completely felt like an outsider. The people I knew seemed to be talking amongst themselves or with the couple new people that I found really annoying. The others were fine, I just didn’t have much to say. The roomie and I rode together, and that was clearly a problem, even if she won’t really admit it. She certainly wanted to hang out, but I was exhausted and had work in the morning, plus I wasn’t feeling it there and had no way home unless I took her car home and she got dropped off, but none of those half-baked plans panned out. She seems kind of upset, though I brought it up and she brushed it off.

I take responsibility for being kind of a downer. It just wasn’t a good night post-dinner. It was a shitty dive bar, the music was way too loud for talking, I ordered a cider and it was gross, and yeah, a couple people were really annoying. One girl seemed to yell every word she said for no reason. Everyone else was having a good time, it’s just me. Maybe I’m not really as ready to get out there and meet new people as I thought I was. I just feel like I don’t belong, and I know it’s all in my head.

There are parts of me that desperately want to retreat into a shell, though I won’t. I still feel victimized and standing knee-deep in what I’ve lost the past couple months, but I’m long past the point of pity having any sort of use. It’s quite hard to stay the course of optimism. I do honestly believe if I dedicate myself and work hard on improving myself and pushing my limits that things will get a lot better. It’s just…not happening at all so far.

I look at my roommate and I can’t relate. She seems almost as unhappy with life, but her life seems better. She also has almost no money, but is able to go out and get lunch of dinner often. I do it relatively rarely, though I do have a little more money. I’ve also been paying more of the utilities lately. She somewhat complains self-deprecatingly about men and her love life yet doesn’t seem to have any problem finding people to go on dates or sleep with. No judgements at all, I’m just not in on any of that shit. It’s been absolutely nothing since Mayumi, be it on Tinder or Plenty of Fish or finding anyone in person. I’m a little envious if anything. I’m the one everyone has left behind. In the past I would have dwelled in the pity, but it’s fruitless. I have to keep on struggling until I climb out of this rut. Money, friends, dates, I can make my way to all of it if I keep climbing.

I’ve had a harder time staying positive. It’s easy to think that it’s me vs. the world and that I can’t count on anyone, that I can’t trust those around me, that they too will turn on me. It’s not true, but it often feels like it. It’s a self-defeating line of thinking that will only alienate the few people who do give a shit about me around here. It’s my journey, and no one can really offer me a lot of help in doing what I need to do and getting where I need to go, but they are still there. If I revert to my old self now, I feel like I’ll lose everything I’ve gained lately. All I’d have to show for it would be some weight loss and a little bit better understanding of music. It’s nice to have tangible progress, but these things are driven by the insight I’ve gained, through the person I’ve been striving to become.

It really isn’t easy, and I know other people have it wayyyy worse than me. The little tics, the anxiety, the memories, that stuff doesn’t go away. The feeling of wanting to lie in bed and sleep everything away. Each day is a matter of making a choice to dwell upon what’s been lost or making a choice to forge ahead and leave the past behind. Each day I’ve made the right choice, albeit barely some days. Nothing really good has happened in a while save for the personal progress I’ve been making. Honestly, that’s for the best. I’m not that pitiful person that wishes for some lucky shooting star to drop out of the sky and fix his problems. Every struggle and obstacle will be overcome and I’ll be better off for it. I just need to remember that, and make the choice to keep trying new things and meeting new people.