talking with a ghost in Sometimes I feel dead inside

an anniversary of one of the worst days in my life. i reflect on where my life has gone, the effect that this day had on my life. the resulting fallout/impact. the regret that strikes me every time i think about this. it was easier to just ignore it and focus on anything else. focus on every little distraction, bury myself in the silly drama of others while struggling to keep the face of sanity when all i wanted to do was break. be calm remain in control. nothing can be gained from succumbing and becoming reactionary. it would make things worse. sure some of that happened, it even lead to my dismissal from a job i had. i look at what i’ve done with my life since then, sure i’m very cautious about letting anyone in. i tend to view a lot of the problems my friends have as insignificant, even my own problems seem worthless or pointless to care about. i know i’ll probably get sad later today, though i’ve been walking around with a black cloud over my head anyhow. when all is said and done, i miss my best friend. i wish i could tell him all the stupid things that have happened. sure my life would’ve been different, i would’ve strongly considered making a big change in my life. i regret not doing so sooner. i wish i could’ve told him what happened after he was gone. how he managed to take care of his family, how people reacted to his passing. maybe just hopped in to a car and driven to who cares where to just have one more adventure. one more simple trip to a hardware store that turned into an amazing story that ended with fast food poisoning or just having some pizza and talking about music, sports, or just the stupid things that we talked about. though i know if i could talk to him now he’d be more concerned with everyone else. he’d want to know about his friends and family. he’d volunteer me to go help out in his stead with whatever someone needed. i apologize to him for not being there in his last days, unable to fill the role i had for years even though there was thousands of miles between us. i know there was nothing i could’ve done. tell him about how i played with his dog the when i visited his folks. how i finally saw the world he described to me and the people he had told me about for years. my ghost tour guide how his friends and family had readily accepted me as though i had been hanging out with them for years. his parents treated me like i was family. it was amazing even though it was very hard for all of us. cause all we saw when we looked at the other was a reminder of who was missing. even years later i’m still sad on this anniversary i try to remind myself what he’d do and how he’d laugh at my ridiculousness. i find myself sitting in an empty room talking to him like he was there. probably looking like a crazy person.