Currently in Jessica and Me

Jess and I have been together for a while now and I feel like I should write a little about how this relationship has changed me. I admit that at the very beginning I think I was mostly attracted to the idea that there was something different and perhaps a little naughty about being in a relationship with a woman when I’ve never thought of myself as bisexual.

I will even confess that I felt some humiliation (mostly the good kind) in “coming out” and revealing to people that I was dating a woman. Most people reacted with surprise, but were also very supportive. I’ve experienced very little negativity or homophobia, and I wonder if it has to do with the fact that Jess and I are both feminine and attractive. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, I just know I’m not bad looking.

I quickly realized that our relationship was more real than I expected. It wasn’t just all about crazy lesbian sex all the time, but we spent a lot of time together just hanging out. We cuddle a lot and sleep next to each other and spend almost every evening together. Each morning we kiss each other and say that we love each other, and each evening we repeat that process. Jess is my best friend and my lover and I honestly am very much in love with her in a very sexual and romantic way.

There is zero doubt in my mind now that I am bisexual and capable of loving a woman. And it surprised me when I realized this.

Last night we watched lesbian porn together and then followed it up with some great sex. Afterward, we laid there and cuddled and she talked a little to me about her own experience coming to terms with the fact that she could be in love with a woman. I realized we both had similar experiences, and we both came out understanding that the love we have for each other is real.

Then she told me that she was completely committed to a life with me and wouldn’t care if she ever had sex with a man again. I wanted to cry when she said that, because I’m not so sure I feel the same way. I cheat on her. I have a regular thing on the side with Golden Hill guy, and I still crave random anonymous sex with strangers.

After she said that to me, I responded, “I think I have a sex addiction.” She jokingly said she’d be happy to help me with that. But I told her I’m serious. I didn’t confess that I was fucking anyone else, but I told her how badly I want to. She looked very hurt when I said that. I reassured her that I didn’t want it to affect our relationship and that I love her very much. The tears started coming, and I repeated that I think I have a problem and I should see someone.

This morning I looked up a sex therapist who is covered on my medical plan, and I called to make an appointment. After that I texted Jess and told her I was going to get help and I was completely committed to her. We work together, so I kept trying to get her attention in the office and she seemed to be avoiding me. Finally I saw her going into the restroom so I followed her.

She looked at me with swollen crying eyes and said she had been thinking all morning about how to break up with me. I reassured her that I’m taking this seriously and am going to work on it. She said, “It hurts that you have to see a doctor to help be convinced that you want to be with me.”

I feel like she doesn’t understand that it’s a real addiction. I want to find a way to convince her. I texted Golden Hill guy and told him it’s over.

Jess and I sleep together every single night, usually at her place. She texted me this afternoon and said she thought I should stay at my place tonight. I wrote back “You’re not breaking up with me right? I love you.”

It took her a long time to write back, and she said this: “I know you’re not a lesbian and perhaps you still have a desire to be with men. But if you’re in a relationship with me that means sex with me and only me. You can tell me you love me, but when you say you want to have sex with other people that just makes me think you don’t really love me. Until you can tell me honestly that I’m the only one you want to be with, then maybe we should spend some time apart. I’m not breaking up with you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone. But I am going to give you your space to figure this out for yourself.”

I’m sleeping along tonight, and I really miss my girlfriend.