8:20 PM
So the past 2 months my doctor gave me a sheet of paper and told me to describe my mood on those days including triggers and how severe it was and here is what has been happening last month
Good Days - 15/31 days (2nd-6th, 12th, 13th, 15th, 16th,19th-21st,24th,26th29th), that is an improvement which shows that increase in my antipsychotic has benefited me.
Manic -2/31 days (30th and 31st)
Small Depression - 8/31 days (1st, 7th, 10th, 14th, 17th, 18th, 22nd, 23rd)
Moderate Depression 2/31 days (11th 27th)
Severe Depression 4/ 31 days (8th, 9th, 25th, 28th)
So about half the month I was doing alright, for the depression that occurred between the 1st and 11th of the month my trigger was that my friend hadn’t gotten on in a while and I was really attached to him because we played together for 2 weeks straight every day until school started back up for him. I was sort of sick on the 18th and that could of triggered my small depression on that date. For depression lasting from the 15th - 24th the trigger must have been not having my computer and on the 23rd my computer was suppose to be ready but they held it for another day and I got my computer back on the 24th. For the depression after that and the manic episodes, I don’t have a trigger as far as I know. Yesterday and today have been good days, that could either be natural or because I met up with Mary again ;).
I went to Dairy queen tonight with mom, had hot fudge sunday and smoothie. Mom and step father fighting again but it isn’t bad, it isn’t what you would imagine and its for stupid reason but of course I egg it on. I have more or less gotten used to the cur living here but I like to use my manipulative skills to drive a wedge between the two.
Many people in my life I want this message to go to.
I have 2 different kinds of Darkness, the Deep Depression Darkness that consumes my heart and brain ever so often, the kind that I truly hate and despise, the kind that makes me cut myself and tears me up.... But then there’s the kind that, battles my soul, corrupts my mind and heart and eats away at my morals. Its a high feeling, it’s that electricity of being Manic, and it’s also that more grey/dark area of my personality, my hotheadedness, over comfidince, it’s also that manipulative side of me, that mean side of me, my evil side that my human side is so corrupted into loving. That side that corrupts me is in a desperate fight with my angelic soul, a soul of pure goodness and these sides will forever be in conflict with one another and honestly I believe that it causes my mental illnesses. I believe that my human side cannot handle the power/overwhelming goodness that my soul has so its fighting with the truly evil characteristics that my human side loves and it takes over every so often but less often then my depressive side. It proves that I’m really fighting with my soul to not let this side come out but it doesn’t stop it entirely, it just delays it. If that makes sense.
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