Let's Wake it Up in 2015

I can’t sleep. I napped for a few minutes it feels like, long enough to wake me back up. I need to be up in…5 hours. 4 if I want to hit the gym before work, which I would like to. I did go a few hours ago after work. I did 860 calories in an hour on the treadmill, which is a personal best. I look forward to trying the other stuff at the gym, the stuff I didn’t have access to before joining one.

No one showed up Monday for food. It didn’t turn out very well due to the weird ass recipe I followed. Alfredo has always been flavorful and in a small amount, drizzled over pasta and veggies, right? This recipe called for a reservoir of the stuff, with tomatoes, chicken, onions and mushrooms within. It sounds good in theory but there’s not a lot of flavor and there’s so much goddamn sauce that it doesn’t thicken very well. Maybe it’s a good thing no one showed up.

So between that and no one showing up Sunday, I’ve been kind of bummed. I suppose a lot of it was Mayumi commenting on FB that I never texted her about it, although I had told everyone when to show up at the bowling alley. I doubt she would have came, but the thought of missing out on a chance to see her is depressing. I still haven’t seen her since that one awkward time she spent the night post-shit going weird and wrong. I alternate between being in love with her and being ready to move on. I just need to have some sort of movement, else I’ll become stuck in the same type of rut I always fell into in the past. There are plenty of women in Portland. I just need to nut up and make another dating profile already. My roommate is having a hell of a time on Tinder, maybe I’ll give that a shot. I just don’t have any good pictures. Whenever there is a hangout or gathering, I’m usually the one taking them. I can’t let something like that stop me. I’m not the most photogenic, and online dating is roughly 300% about how good your pictures are, but whatever. It’s just another obstacle to overcome.

I was pretty hungover Monday, so the day was kind of a wash anyway. I didn’t get out of bed until after 1. Didn’t work out or play bass since I felt terrible. Felt better midday, got groceries, and felt bad again after dinner. I did get enough to make a double batch, since at one point it could have been myself, Ella, Tinder dude she’s been talking to, Ray, Courtney and Mayumi. That didn’t happen, and the food sucked, but I might have enough to make another batch with a different recipe.

There’s something wrong with me that’s been occurring much more frequently lately. It’s happened before but only rarely. I’ll feel kind of like I’m choking, or am about to gag or throw up. I don’t feel sick at all otherwise, or even sick per say, just like my throat is going to vomit. No nausea, no upset stomach or anything. It’s worse when I have a dress shirt on, or lately my lab coat at work if it’s buttoned up all the way. It’s also been happening when I have my workout shirts on, which are regular and not v-neck. Only sometimes though does it bother me if something is touching my neck. I’m pretty sure it’s a mental thing. I tried looking it up, and there was stuff for something called Sensory Processing Disorder. If that actually is what I have, it’s incredibly mild compared to some of the possible symptoms and situations. I did tell the other supervisor at work about it, since she’s the medical supervisor. She thought it may be due to stress, which does seem accurate. Even though I’ve done my best to move on and be optimistic from all that has happened, it still gnaws at me. Mayumi is still on my mind a lot. I just haven’t had anyone to move onto yet. Even though consciously I am pretty good about dealing with it, perhaps subconsciously I’m not. When I think about what has happened, it seems to act up more. And once I’m conscious of it, it keeps getting worse. I felt like I was going to vomit several times during my workout earlier. I don’t think anyone noticed at the gym, I just would slow down my workout a bit and tug at the edge of my shirt to get it away from my neck.

I suppose it’s pointless to dwell on it. If that is what is what’s going on, I should see a doctor of some sort, and I can’t afford that. If it’s not, then who knows. Either way, I have to overcome it. I can’t let it keep affecting my workouts and holding me back.

I need routine. I felt happier after working out earlier. I need to stick to my routines of eating well, and working out, and working on music. Sometimes, it feels as if that’s all I’ve gained in the face of what has been lost. It is substantial, and sticking to it will be my salvation. I didn’t think it would have such an effect on my happiness. Of course, working out does release chemicals which improve energy and mood. Beyond that, I suppose it gives me peace doing these things because I know I am moving toward what I want in life, even if it’s at a slow pace. Without it, I feel lost. As if I had less than I did before, since I no longer have her, and I’m almost friendless since moving here. So I can’t dwell on that. I just need to keep moving.

I haven’t procured a Halloween costume yet. I’m not sure if I will. This seems to happen every year. I forget about it, and then I’m broke and have no idea what I want to do. We are having a Halloween party at the apartment. It seems unlikely that Mayumi or any of my co-workers will show up, but my roommate’s co-workers are pretty good about partying and hanging out.

This is the first real slip into depression I’ve had since my breakthroughs. It’s inevitable to lose your way sometimes, and it’s important to be okay with it. Nonetheless, I’m eager to get back to how I’ve been handling things the past month, facing forward with optimism.