My Own Hypocrisy in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era
- Oct. 20, 2015, 10:30 a.m.
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- Public
First, I want to state that this entry will likely be rather blunt. Second, I want to admit that I may fully be in the wrong here. This comes more from emotion and perception than logic and reason.
As I was getting into bed last night: I pulled the covers back and noticed something odd between the sheets. I investigated and discovered that it was our rarely used small bottle of KY Lubricant. There are only so many reasons to find that item in our bed and I asked Wife if she had masturbated that morning. She said that when she woke up, her body was so stiff and uncomfortable that she figured rubbing out an O might help her body relax. Honestly, a reason I would support.
But it hurt to know that she’d masturbated. And that is where my hypocrisy lies. I masturbate almost every day. Granted, lately it has been more like two or three times a week due to my schedule… but still… masturbation is not unfamiliar to me. However, I would certainly prefer to NOT masturbate. The only reason I do is because were I to not… the sexual frustration and buildup would quite literally drive me mad. I would much prefer to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife than a standing date with my hand. But consistently, repeatedly, annoyingly… it is not to be. Wife denies sex and rejects my advances unless she is in such a state of inebriation as to make me pause and consider cases of Drunken State Date Rape.
And yet… she masturbated. A perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, honestly. It just… it hurt and upset me. Because… I don’t know… maybe on some level it is me internalizing and blaming myself. Because if she does still have sexual feelings, if she does still have a desire to orgasm, but she does still deny me? Maybe it is because she doesn’t find me attractive… or maybe I’m bad at sex. I guess that is probably why it hurt… it made me question things like that.
Waiting For Sunrise ⋅ October 20, 2015
I really understand this. I can't help but be hurt when my husband can't/won't/doesn't want to be intimate with me, because I know he pleasures himself with porn. I know it isn't as simple as a trade-off, but it certainly makes me feel as though I am the reason we don't have sex. It's hard not to take that personally, even though it isn't intended that way. :/
invisible ink ⋅ October 20, 2015
Sadly in the work I am in the one thing I cannot deny that marriage for the most part (after the honeymoon phase is over) shows a sharp decline in intimacy. What is difficult is that usually both parties will tell you they wish for a better relationship in the bedroom. It is like the more familiar a person becomes the less comfortable they are with their clothes off.... I cannot explain it ... but at least I assure you.... you are not alone.....
Fawkes Gal ⋅ October 20, 2015
Ok, yet again I'm going to be the voice of dissent. You're right, it is hypocritical, and you probably need to try to get past those feelings. If something is ok for you to do, than it should be ok for her to do too.
Her not wanting to have sex is probably much more about herself, and how she's feeling about herself, than it is about you. You've said that she thinks that she's ugly and disgusting. This is probably much more about her, than it is about you. The two of you have a LOT of work that you need to to, both on yourselves (her particularly), and on your own relationship before you can even begin to think of having a healthy sexual relationship with one another. Until the two of you get to that point though, it's not fair to think that she's never going to want any kind of sexual release, and it's not fair to blame or penalize her for it, when you're doing the same.
Pinkerton ⋅ October 20, 2015
Not that you need me to validate your feelings, but I would feel hurt as well.
Rationally, though, your wife has much deeper psychological problems which must certainly be the root cause of her nonexistent libido. I would try to focus on that.
Always Laughing ⋅ October 20, 2015
I agree it is hypocritical that being said you are human and I also understand why you are hurt. You masturbate because you aren't going to go out and cheat to find sex and you are willing to give her sex and she chooses to masturbate. I would if I was in your situation question it too what is wrong with me that she chooses to masturbate instead of being with me.
Rhapsody in Purple ⋅ October 20, 2015
Is it a good opportunity to discuss these feelings with her further?
Maybe she feels hurt at all your masturbation too and that's contributed to her lack of desire? it could just be an endless cycle of perceived rejections.
Deleted user ⋅ October 21, 2015
Are you sure that there isn't another man?