funeral fund in 2015

October 17, 2015
9:49pm

Whoa, another entry? Crazy times.

There’s something specific that I wanted to talk about, but it’s not coming to mind at the moment so I’ll just go random until it clicks.

I had this weird conversation with myself at church today. I started contemplating putting together a “funeral fund.”
I know! Of all places I came up with the whole thing at church during the sermon/blessings. hah. I’m a horrible person. ;)

Actually, it’s something that I’ve thought about before but never really put actual ideas into it. I just figured that it costs a lot of money to have a funeral and it might be nice if I started saving for it. You know, so that my family won’t have that huge burden added to their lives. I’m always looking out for everyone else. And who knows when I’ll actually go. It could very well be before everyone else.

So I sat [well knelt during most of my contemplating] there in church and came up with the idea to get a jar and start filling it with change. Hey! I’m not rich. They’ll have to contribute something if it comes sooner than expected. hah. And I thought about the idea of dropping a list of instructions into the bottom of it so that whoever tips it over to collect the money will also know my desires posthumously.

Pretty neat, right? =) I think it’s a good way to help fund the outrageous cost of putting someone in the ground and being able to express my wishes after I’m gone. Like how I’ll probably write my username and password for this site so that someone can come and post that I’m gone. Not that there are too many people I’m in contact with around here but it might be nice for y’all to know. Also I could have them save a copy of my words for any future reading. They might be interested in knowing all my deepest darkest secrets, or at least what I really feel inside since I’m not the best sharer.

Speaking of which: I remember what I was going to write. It’s one of those for posterity’s sake things.

I’ve mentioned my drinking in here several [hundred] times. I’m an all the time drinker and it’s a social activity in my culture/family. Just something you do and I learned my limits like within the first few months of drinking. It’s not a taboo subject and I’ve been drinking pretty consistently since I turned 21. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by that because I do it responsibly and have control of myself.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I started to think about my drinking habits and I realized that out of nowhere I’d started to drink to chase the high. I was looking to be drunk. I was drinking to forget. To clear my mind. To think of nothing but the buzzy sensation in my head. And that was crazy. I’ve never done that before! I’ve always just been a drinker because I like to drink and it’s never gone that far.

So realizing that was a shock to me. To be so honest with myself that I could see that I was seeking that sensation. Like an alcoholic. And I’ll admit [as I’ve done before] that I have an addictive personality. If I didn’t have any self-control I’d probably have become an alcoholic years ago, among other things.

I’m not even sure why I was doing that either. It’s not like anything traumatic has happened recently. I just suddenly started drinking to be drunk instead of just drinking for the drink. And that’s a scary thought. That it could come out of nowhere like that. And I know that I did, in fact, realize it in the moment but it wasn’t enough to make me care. I kept doing it anyway. I kept drinking and I kept trying to end up in bed with enough blur to just fade off to sleep.

Of course I’ve gotten it under control now. I’ve accepted the situation, acknowledged it, and decided that it was stupid and I needed to move on. I certainly can’t live that life. I have too much going on and too much to live for to destroy it like that. I knew I could pull myself out of it, but it felt way to easy to just continue on that path. And I’ve always known that, which is why I need to be careful. It’s why I need to find other outlets and other ways of dealing with things. This is not an option.

It’s never been, or will ever be, an option!

But I felt like I needed to type that out. To say that I’ve moved past it and I’m figuring it out. Yes, I’m still drinking. I never leave that behind for too long. But I’m not chasing anything anymore. I’m drinking what I feel like [a beer or two, a glass of wine, some whiskey] but I’m not trying to get drunk every night.

I’m so glad I’m self-aware enough to know what’s going on and have the ability to control it. I know a lot of people don’t have that and I’m grateful. But I need to type out these words to remind myself that I can’t take it that far. I can’t let myself sink like that.

I felt something today. A new motivation; a new desire. A sense of wanting to get back to where I was.

I’m only human. I regress and I make progress. Sometimes I take two steps forward and one step back. That’s ok. It’s just life.

This is my favorite time of year and I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to ignore the fact that Halloween is now marked with that last meeting and I’ll let myself feel it later. The fact that an entire year has gone by. How quickly that flew by. Wow. But it’ll get cold soon and I’ll enjoy the couple months of actual sweater weather and I’ll move on.

I’m doing better every day. I’ll continue on that path for as long as it takes. I’ll find things to look forward to and I’ll try to have less regrets. Because life is what it is and that’s alright for me. I have to remind myself to enjoy the here and now. There’s not much more than that. =)

rose.
10:53pm