Uncharted Territory/Home Office in New Beginnings
- Oct. 18, 2015, 1:14 a.m.
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- Public
I’ve been thinking about the future of my love life or lack thereof as the case may be. I realize that many marriages end in bitter divorce, but many don’t. Plenty of couples remained happily married until the end of their natural lives. Realistically, I may not ever join that group. I think on paper, I’m a very suitable potential husband. I’m gainfully employed, I’m solvent on my only debt (my mortgage), I stay in shape, etc. Like everyone else, though, I also have my flaws. Perhaps my most damaging flaw is my social awkwardness and anxiety.
Even the few dates or close friendships with women I’ve been able to obtain, I’ve never been able to make a serious connection. I don’t know what it is that makes two people hit it off and want more than just a platonic relationship, but I certainly seem to lack it. If I remain celibate for the rest of my life, I’m feeling especially compelled to wrestle with how my later years will turn out. I mean, while there are plenty of happily married people in their senior years, how many happy celibates are there? If this path is the one my life is going to take, I can’t think of any examples that comfort me how my later years will be. At worse, I may end up alone in a nursing home should I lose my health because I have no one to take care of me. At best, I may end up functional but psychologically disturbed as is usually a result from prolonged isolation. I’ve already got three cats, so I’m well on my way to being a spinster, or whatever the male equivalent of a spinster is.
Something exciting is happening at work. Starting this Wednesday, a renovation project will begin on our office. It’s more of a downgrade than an upgrade. Our updated cubicles will be smaller, so the company can hire more employees. I suppose that’s a good sign my company’s health, though. However, for the next two weeks, I get to telecommute from my home office. I get a reprieve from battling Atlanta commuter traffic. I also get pajama-optional work days. I hope I don’t get too used to this set up.
Star Maiden ⋅ October 18, 2015
You're so much like my friend is crazy.
Marg ⋅ October 18, 2015
Bachelor is the word I think. But good grief you're only 33 - there's plenty time for love to happen! Concentrate on being at ease with yourself and finding your 'niche' - the rest will naturally follow because then you'll start to attract the right people :)
Excuse me for sticking my oar in :D
Robbo Marg ⋅ October 18, 2015
No worries. Feel free to stick your oar in wherever you like.
I thought bachelor was the male equivalent of bachelorette. Spinster has a much more negative denotation, implying that the woman must have something wrong with her to still be unmarried past a certain age. I'm unaware of any such corresponding term for men. Maybe "confrimed bachelor" or "dedicated bachelor" is the appropriate term. Even those words don't feel like they apply to me. They imply that the man in question is reluctant to marry because he enjoys the benefits of a relationship without the long term committment. That description certainly doesn't apply to me, mostly because I'm fairly incompetent when it comes to dealing in matters of romance.
Marg Robbo ⋅ October 18, 2015
Yes you're right now that I think of it. I'd always thought bachelorette was just an Americanism but there IS something slightly more sinister about the term 'spinster' right enough. But usually 'dedicated bachelor' implies someone of a good age who has no interest in a relationship or long-term romance and you certainly don't fit into that category from what I read! What makes you think you're incompetent though? Do you just find it difficult to 'read' women? We can be a mysterious and confusing lot sometimes!
Robbo Marg ⋅ October 18, 2015
I've long been an excessively introverted person. I never really learned how foster relationships, especially romantic relationships. I've been friends with a decent number of girls, but whenever I was sweet on one of them, I had no idea how to even attempt to tell her I wanted more. Of course, that was during my high school and college years, when meeting people was easy. After school, the real world certainly lacks that built in social network, so even meeting people is hard. The very few times I have actually met an appropriate woman to date, I can't tell if she's interested, polite, or a just a flirt, so I err on the side of not embarassing us both by asking her out. Even if I did get a date, I wouldn't know how plan a memorable evening for her, so that's one more incentive to do nothing. My shell is very comfortable; leaving it is scary.
Marg Robbo ⋅ October 18, 2015
I understand what you're saying and wonder then if dating sites (although I know they can seem abhorrent to many) would be an advantage in that situation? From the point of view that you could be up front about what you want and clear in messages before you would meet someone and therefore that part might be easier?
A memorable evening can be totally different to different people but usually I would expect a first date to be something fairly general, like a coffee or a meal where there's opportunity to talk but not for any great length of time so that if things aren't going so well, you have a good excuse to get away! And then if there are further dates what makes THEM memorable is the meeting of two like minds plus a dash of sexual chemistry and that, I'm afraid, is in the lap of the gods :)
Robbo Marg ⋅ October 20, 2015
As I mentioned before, I'm very introverted. I don't go out much, so I don't have any recent photos I could use for a profile. A profile with no pictures won't get any responses, and a profile with just a selfie wouldn't do much better. There's a singles activity business in Atlanta called Events and Adventures that seems like a viable option for meeting someone, but after work, commuting, and working out, I don't have much energy left to go out. I'd much rather just lay on the couch and binge watch Netflix.
Marg Robbo ⋅ October 24, 2015
Yeah I think a lot of folk would identify with that - after a full day's work it's a hell of an effort (not to mention nerve-racking) to then have to get organised to go out and be on best behaviour! However I do think the selfie would work - on the dating site I've used there are loads of them - and not very well-disguised ones at that!
And I have to say a good profile without pictures apparently does get responses although I wouldn't have thought so but I know folk who have done that and apparently had no problems. It would be much harder in that instance to get a profile 'right' to appeal to everyone though.
Having said that I do understand what you're saying - I'm also a classic introvert but I did find the online dating scene the best way of starting to date again as opposed to any other 'method' (not the best word to choose but you know what I mean).