Big Week in Days of My Destiny

It was a very big week for me, emotionally and mentally.

I’ve been feeling lost. Yep. It’s the 3 month mark since we moved back. I had this same thing at the three month mark after moving away. Except that this time it has really surprised me just HOW lost I’ve been feeling, because I’ve come Home. I knew there’d be things I’d miss about over there. I knew I’d miss Helen at some point. But man.... I’ve missed her!!!! I’ve missed her a LOT - and a lot sooner than I thought I would. I think I realised just how much she meant to me only in the last eight weeks of us living there - when Janet was making a big fuss about us leaving and pretending that we were besties, while Helen just suffered quietly.

I’ve been feeling lost in my friendships here. I’ve caught up with three of my friends. I came back determined to show my friends I care, to do this better than I did before I moved away. I came back ready to “hang out” more, to see people more and to let them know this. I came back willing to hang out with my friends, WITH my children, rather than hide them away and only use my time with my friends only for ME. I want my children to know my friends, to see this other side to me. I never used to want that. And I want my friends to know my children, to see this other side to me. But you know......... while it’s been great catching up with these three friends, I’ve also found a shift within me. Or I’ve found things disappointing. The first friend, I’ve known her since I was 7. While we’re not Besties, I have a deep love and care for her. She’s just had her first baby, so there’s that. She’s busy like she’s never been busy before. And I get that. But I still miss her. I also realise that it’s probably a bit much for her having me go, “Hey! I’m here! I want to hang out!” when our friendship never really entailed that very often before I left, and especially while she’s entered this new phase in life. So I don’t want to be overbearing. Then with my second friend.... I also have a deep care and love for her. She’s my uni friend, the only friend I ever made at uni. And while the feeling’s mutual, there’s just nothing really for us to share in common at the moment. Here I am in my stable marriage, in my life of mothering and school routine, and there she is, going from failed relationship to failed relationship. She’s nearing her 30s and her closer friends are married and she’s not, she’s feeling lonely and heartbroken after meeting the guy she thought was The One. With my third friend, she was the one who was really there for me while I was away. She was the only friend who actually visited. She’s the friend who’s never allowed the differences in our lives to get in the way of our friendship. For example she had an abortion while I was raising my toddler. I went away to support my husband working in the mines while she loves the earth with all her heart and is heart-broken at the thought of trees being cut down..... but it’s never stopped our friendship. She’s always inspired me to be the change I want to see in the world (I’d never heard that quote before meeting her). Through many of our conversations she has inspired me to want better things for myself and for the world. She’s always had this air of superiority when it comes to “wisdom” but I’ve always handled it and I’ve learned a LOT from her. But now I’ve come back and I find that our time together doesn’t really GIVE to me in the way that they used to. Sometimes I just want to Be. To tell her things without having her “wisdom” and her “direction”. I don’t need direction anymore, I just need a friend. A friend who is happy to accept that I know what I’m doing in my OWN journey now, and that that is actually okay! A friend who is happy to accept that we may see things differently. A friend who is happy to live life alongside me, rather than constantly try to pull me forward from where she is...... a friend who will see that I actually am happy with where I am and how I feel and that when I share my feelings it’s for the sake of sharing them, not so that I can be given advice and so on. While advice and wisdom is necessary and I have been grateful for it many many times in the past, I just need a listening ear. It’s a bit patronising when someone thinks they’re always ahead in some way. And while I’ve always known that this side to her can be patronising, I used to be able to kind of just ignore it but I can’t now.... I just need somebody who can just Hang Out...... the way Helen does.........

I’ve also been feeling lost in terms of my career. I had found a really amazing place to work at, with really amazing people who were like-minded and treated all students with respect. They offered all students friendship, even. At lunchtime we would play soccer with them. On the last day of school we had water fights with them. Here, I haven’t seen anyone playing soccer or having water fights with the students, and well that doesn’t surprise me… but I haven’t seen a whole lot of respect or patience towards the students by some people. It has thrown me. I feel out of place. I’ve also realised that teacher aiding isn’t what I want to do forever. While I get more one-on-one time with the students, a lot of it doesn’t feel challenging for my mind. I don’t want to photocopy forever. I don’t want to simply “follow directions” forever. (Taking initiative is appreciated but it’s still limited.) I’d like to make some decisions and have complete authority over that. I’d like more work opportunities. I’d like to learn more things about teaching students with special needs. Getting there will take time. I have direction, I just need time.

I’d been feeling frustrated within my marriage. L could sense the tension and I felt it was mutual. I can’t handle his constant negativity and while he thought he was being negative because he had a bad week, I told him that’s what he always says. I told him that I thought that when we were interstate he was grumpy because he was tired - now I realised he’s grumpy because he’s grumpy. I told him that I could see our marriage was going to be affected if we stayed down there any longer because I was starting to feel lonely down there. And now that we’ve settled into our routines here and the hoo-haa of us moving back has settled, here we are........ with a marriage that feels a little stale. He asked what do we do about it? I told him that I wanted answers from HIM, because my ideas are always left by the wayside because they always cost money. His idea was to try not to be so negative all the time. My ideas involve dance classes, climbing mountains, learning a language together etc. We settled on doing yoga together. It still hasn’t happened but I know it will. When he agreed that things felt stale, I asked him why he hasn’t said anything? I told him I don’t want to end like his parents, pretending nothing is wrong all the time and plastering a plastic smile on our faces. Fuck that, we are L&C.

I’ve also been dealing with Little L not adjusting to her third day of Kindy that I added in the last fortnight. She was teary when I dropped her off a few times and I stayed with her until she was calm. Then she stopped being calm when I did that. Then she was crying as I was parking the car at Kindy on Thursday. I’d asked her why she didn’t like going and she said it was too noisy. I told her we could tell the teachers but she didn’t want to. I said, “Sweetie if the teachers don’t know what’s wrong, they won’t know how to help you.” So we told the teachers and they explained that their enrolment numbers have gone up lately, they’re at full capacity almost everyday now and yes, it gets loud. They have a little song to help the children quieten down and the teacher told Little L that when it gets too loud for her, to approach the teacher and she would sing that song again. (I forgot to explain to them that Little L has ALWAYS had issues with loud noises but I told them later.) I’d also asked her if there was another reason why she didn’t like going and she nodded her head and said, “Because I just miss you so much!!!!” (Heartbreak!!!) Little L was in tears when I left. It was very sad. I started thinking about cancelling that third day. I picked her up early that day and I’d also spent half an hour there halfway through the day so we could share cupcakes with everyone and all the kids sang her happy birthday for the day before. Then that night she randomly started crying and said, “I don’t want to go to Kindy tomorrow!” I asked her why and she said, “Because I’m just always there.....” I knew for sure then that I needed to cancel the third day. She went on Friday but only for half a day. When I picked her up I told her she doesn’t have to go to kindy on Fridays anymore and she was SO happy.

So yes.... it’s been a big week.

Yesterday at 4:15pm I decided to lay down on my bed and rest my exhausted body when I suddenly remembered that I was meant to go and give my littlest sister her first ever driving lesson and I was 45 minutes late!!!!!!!! I was SO tired and SO exhausted from all of the above and plus the late nights I’ve been having and also getting everything organised for days before Little L’s birthday and honestly all I wanted was to lay down!!!! But off I went.... how could you possibly leave a young person hanging when it’s their FIRST lesson..... especially when that young person asked you specifically to teach them and they never ask you for anything.... and when you’re not really that close to that person........ so yeah..... my little sister did really well on her first lesson. She’s a fast learner and though I hadn’t planned it that way, she ended up fully making right turns and stopping at stop signs.... all while she was still getting the hang of not stalling!!!! So she did really well.

On my way back home I bought myself a bottle of wine and I drank one glass of wine and lay down on the floor to stretch my back and shoulders and I had a good laugh with my man, pulling dumb faces and what not and then I crashed.